


How Can I Love Thee?

by PlzdontcallmeVal (vlh114)



Category: The Hobbit - All Media Types
Genre: Abandonment, Embarrassment, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Forgiveness, Guilt, Hurt/Comfort, M/M, Making Up, Sibling Incest
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-03-23
Updated: 2020-05-20
Packaged: 2021-02-26 15:47:38
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 12
Words: 26,490
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23278774
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/vlh114/pseuds/PlzdontcallmeVal
Summary: Fili has left the family home in Ered Luin for the family business in Erebor without any explanation.  When Kili is in an accident he is forced to face what had happened between them.  Can their relationship be repaired or will it be too late?
Relationships: Fíli/Kíli, Kíli/Tauriel
Comments: 28
Kudos: 28





	1. Accidentally Together

**Author's Note:**

> The story is mostly written and will be updated after chapters are received back from the awesome Finduilas88 (the most excellent Beta).

As Fili stood on the balcony overlooking the city feeling the sweat drip down his back and bead on his forehead he tried not to think. But the distant lights of Dale and the twinkling of the stars above couldn’t distract him that night. Retreating to the comfort of the air-conditioned apartment was an option Fili didn’t think he deserved because he _was_ thinking, thinking about something he wanted desperately to forget. His brother. He’d messed up. He’d messed up badly. Things would never be the same between them. It was all his fault. He should’ve stayed. They could’ve talked. But Fili chose to run instead. Even when he’d discovered that Kili felt the same way he ran. He hadn’t looked back since. 

A roll of thunder, loud but not too close and a gentle but still hot breeze had Fili closing his eyes to dive into the memory. The night it happened the music was so loud everyone was shouting to be heard over it. Too many people in too small a room, too much alcohol in too short a period of time had Fili’s head spinning. Kili had followed him out of the room, took him by the hand, and dragged him into an empty conference room close by. His brother had looked so good; had his hair pinned back, wearing green that complimented his deep brown eyes. He could still taste Kili on his tongue, feel Kili on his skin, the way they moved together, like they were made for each other. Sometimes he thought he could still hear Kili’s voice; ‘Fili, Fili, yes, more, Fili, harder, yes’. When he woke up his head was pounding and Kili was gone. Fili hadn’t been so drunk he didn’t remember but he had been drunk enough to believe he’d forced Kili to do something he didn’t want long enough, at least, until he was packed and ready to walk out the door.

“Don’t go,” Kili had begged. “Don’t leave me alone. Let me come with you. We can work it out. I wanted you. I love you too.”

Those words almost…_almost_ had Fili turn around but he let the door shut behind him. The family accepted Fili’s sudden decision to uproot his life and move to Erebor. Like Kili, they hadn’t had a chance to try to talk him out of it. He’d just shown up on his Uncle Thorin’s doorstep and announced he was moving in. Before the week was over he’d gotten his credits transferred from Ered Luin College to the University of Erebor and started to work part-time at Erebor Mining Company.

_Kili_, Fili sighed. He was in Rohan or Gondor touring with his band; Fili wasn’t exactly sure where. He tried not to keep track but every once in a while somebody would mention something to him about having a famous brother, how’d there been an amazing show somewhere and how proud Fili must be. He was always polite about it; nodding and agreeing about how wonderful Kili was but he’d never been to a show, didn’t own a single cd, told himself he didn’t care. It was a lie. He cared too much. He kept busy with work and school, learning everything he could so he could take over from his Uncle Thorin someday. 

Anyone looking in from the outside would assume Fili was happy. They would be wrong. 

Inside the apartment the phone on the kitchen counter buzzed with a text alert.

**************

The show hadn’t been a sell-out. Kili was disappointed. But the people of Gondor had always been very fickle when it came to music, the people a little too uppity for Kili’s liking. That didn’t stop him from giving the people who did come a great show, including fireworks and two encores. There would be a rave review in the Gondor Herald the next day, Kili was sure of that. The next time the band came to Gondor it would be sold out. He wished he could be sure of that. It had been the first concert with empty seats since the tour began. He expected the elves of Rivendell or Greenwood to be a tough sell, but the tickets had gone in record time. 

The band had the next day off which Kili wasn’t happy about either. He knew he’d be thinking about Gondor the whole time, wondering how they could get people to come to the next show. And when he didn’t come up with anything he’d get depressed; the first of the two shows in Rohan would be less than spectacular and it would be all his fault. The Rohan shows would be followed by another day off and one show in Lorien. The stop after that would be Dale. Dale was too close to Erebor, too close to Fili. Would Fili be at the concert? Probably not. Thorin was sure to be there though. He’d ask his uncle how his brother was doing, if he was well, if he was happier now that they were apart. No. Kili wouldn’t. Of course, Fili was happier. If he wasn’t there would’ve been some kind of contact; a note, a letter, a text, a call. But there had been nothing. Not even a rumor from their family or friends. 

Every song Kili wrote was for Fili. Did Fili even listen to them? Another ‘probably not’ answer. Maybe Fili just didn’t get it, didn’t understand who Kili was singing to. Kili picked up his phone, opened the messaging app, typed, ‘I did it all for you. Every song is you’, deleted it, closed the app, then shut off the phone. Fili had never responded to any text Kili had ever sent so why bother sending more? More rejection to write about, to sing about, to the one person who meant the most to him, the one person who didn’t listen. Kili turned back on the phone, sent the text.

“Come on, Kili, time to go,” Dwalin, long-time family friend, head of Kili’s security team and tour-bus driver, called from the open doorway.

With a heavy sigh Kili slid out of the chair to follow.

The tour bus was loud, everyone still high from the show. They didn’t seem to care that it wasn’t a sell-out. He shut himself away in the private bedroom at the back of the bus. Not bothering to change or even strip off his clothes (at least he’d showered at the venue after the show) Kili flopped down on the bed to try to forget how it felt to have finally had what he had wanted the most; Fili.

His brother’s voice would be the next thing Kili would hear.

***

The first call was missed because Fili had gone to take a shower. The second call was missed because the phone was still in the kitchen and he was in the bedroom getting dressed and didn’t bother to go get it. He thought he knew who it was anyway. He thought it best to ignore the third call. When the phone rang again as soon as it had stopped, he gave in and picked it up. The caller ID said ‘Amad’. “Amad?”

“Fili, where have you been? I’ve been calling and calling. You’ve got to go to Gondor. Your brother…there’s been an accident.”

“What happened?” If it was minor, Fili wasn’t going to go anywhere.

“The bus went off the road. He’s in bad shape, Fili. I called Thorin. You better go soon.”

“Yes, Amad.” As Fili put the phone down he couldn’t believe he was thinking about not going. It was better if they didn’t see each other. Being around his brother was almost traumatic, made his heart ache. But if Kili were dying…what if they _never_ got to see each other again, never had a chance to make-up? _Make-up_, Fili thought, _repair our relationship even if it’s only as brothers_; Fili had never thought about that before. The choice of whether or not to go was made for him when the phone rang again and Thorin said, ‘I’m coming to pick you up in thirty minutes. The plane will be ready at the airstrip.”

In the car and on the plane to Gondor Fili could think of nothing but Kili dying. _If he’s going to die I hope he does it before I get there. It’s not that I want him to die, I just don’t want to watch him do it. All those unanswered texts and calls, the deleted voicemail messages. How could I have been so selfish and stupid? If he dies I’ll never forgive myself. Will anything change between us if he lives? IF he lives…_

Though transportation had been arranged for his mother, Dis, she had not yet arrived when Fili and Thorin got to the hospital in Gondor. Dwalin, head bandaged and arm in a sling met them in reception. “I’m so sorry, Thorin. The horse came out of nowhere. It must’ve gotten loose from somewhere in the storm.”

“It’s alright, Dwalin.” Thorin said, patting his friend on the arm, “I’m sure you did everything you could.”

“I’ll bring you to his room then come back down and wait for Dis.”

“Thank you.”

On the way up in the elevator they got the story from Dwalin. It had started raining just as the show ended. Somewhere between Gondor and Rohan, Dwalin had swerved to miss hitting a horse that had suddenly appeared on the road, and the bus went over the side of the cliff into a ditch filled with stagnant water. The windows had broken open and the rear compartment was flooded within minutes. It seemed that Kili was flung from the bed; knocked unconscious when his head hit the wall, he nearly drowned in the murky water. 

While Thorin went to find someone who could tell them about Kili’s condition Fili entered his brother’s room. Kili was barely recognizable. His head was bandaged in gauze, both eyes black and blue and swollen shut, there was a brace around his neck, and tube in his mouth to help him breathe. IV lines from a stand next to the bed were inserted into the back of his right hand, and his left arm was in a splint like Dwalin’s.

Just before Fili could sit down the machine monitoring Kili’s vital signs started to beep wildly. The body on the bed began to slowly move. 

Kili was awake.

***

Something wasn’t right. Something was down his throat. He couldn’t breathe. His head hurt. His arm hurt. His whole body hurt. Where was he? What was happening? In a burst of panic, confusion and fright Kili struggled against the blankets holding him down. There was very loud beeping, getting faster and faster. Someone was trying to hold him still. There were hands on his face and a singular voice breaking through the chaos, telling him to relax; Fili.

“Calm down,” Fili whispered, “shhh, it’s alright. Calm down.”

As confused and afraid as he was Kili let himself he handled until he was lying prone again.

“Take deep breaths through your nose,” Fili instructed his brother.

Kili complied but it didn’t stop the ache in his throat.

“Try to relax. You’re in the hospital. There was an accident. I’m here now.”

Kili relaxed. He must’ve drifted off to sleep. When a fit of coughing woke him there were no hands to comfort him. Fili had lied. Kili wasn’t surprised but he was disappointed. Then he noticed that the burning in his throat was gone; the tube had been taken out. _Did they sedate me? I think I would’ve felt that._ He tried taking deep breaths but the cough wouldn’t stop. A nurse hurried into the room, an oxygen mask was placed over his nose and mouth but still the cough wouldn’t stop. She promised to come back with a doctor. Before she could return the coughing stopped letting Kili rest again. There were voices close but not in the room, he thought; his amad and Thorin.

Thorin was talking, “Concussion and broken wrist but the worst of it is the lung infection. He inhaled a lot of dirty water before they could pull him out. We’re lucky he’s still with us.”

His mother was crying, “My poor baby.”

_Lung infection? The coughing. My voice! If I can’t sing how will Fili know how I feel?_ Kili tried to shout to his family but only started coughing again. He felt his mother’s touch on his arm and face.

“Shhh, Sweetheart, take it easy now.”

Still Kili coughed.

“I’ll call for the nurse,” Thorin said as he leaned over to press the emergency call button.


	2. Highs and Lows

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Dis has a talk with Fili. Fili tries to talk to Kili. What happened between the brothers to cause the rift is revealed.

“You know, I wasn’t going to call you,” Dis said to Fili when they left the room to let Kili rest. “I wasn’t sure you would come. But I knew Kili would want you to be here.”

The words stung but Fili couldn’t deny it, “I almost didn’t come. I might not have if Thorin hadn’t come with the car. It’s better if I’m not around.”

“Better for who?” Dis asked her son. “What’s happened to you, Fili? You’ve changed and I can’t say it’s for the better. You and your brother used to be so close. Something happened between the two of you and I’d like to know what it was.”

_I fucked my brother and I feel like total shit about it. In fact, I’m so embarrassed and guilt ridden I can’t face him. Is that what you want to hear?_ “Nothing happened, Amad. I have a different life now.”

“Away from your home, your family.”

“Thorin is family. Erebor is my home now.”

“What if Kili can’t sing anymore?”

“What if he can’t?”

“He’ll be devastated.”

“He would still be able to write and play. Somebody else could sing.”

“He wouldn’t want that.”

“Then he’ll do something else.”

“You should talk to him and straighten out whatever it is that happened between you. I know he misses you terribly. You never come home to visit and when you call you don’t want to speak to him.”

“Fine,” Fili sighed, “I’ll talk to him, but I can’t promise anything is going to change.”

“Talk to him and _something_ will change.” Dis only hoped that it would be her eldest son’s heart.

***

It was quiet when Kili woke next; quiet and dark. Even through his closed eyes he could see that the light was off. _Everyone must’ve gone home_, he thought bitterly. _What if I die tonight? Nobody cares._ There was a quiet squeak, a bright light then darkness again. _Somebody has come in_. He wished he could ask who was there but didn’t want to risk another coughing fit. The last bout had him coughing up mucus. The doctor had said that if the antibiotics didn’t start working soon Kili’s condition would worsen. He already had chest pain and a slight fever; he felt chilled and very tired.

“Hey, it’s me. I know you’re awake.”

_Fili._ Kili raised his hand to show he’d heard. He wanted to ask his brother so much _‘where have you been’, ‘how are you’, ‘have you missed me’, ‘do you listen’, ‘why don’t you love me anymore’?_ but he had no choice but to remain silent. If he could see he would write but he couldn’t even do that. _This is so unfair_.

“I heard your show in Bree went great. People come up to me all the time. They tell me you’re really something special.” As if Fili didn’t know that himself already, not that he cared. “I really love working for Thorin. They just found a new cache of sapphires in the mine. I know how much you love those. I’ll try to get some for you.” He probably wouldn’t really. All Fili wanted was to go back to the way things had been for the past two years; him in Erebor and his brother any place else.

_Small talk? Really? That’s it? No, ‘I’m sorry I left you’ or ‘I’ve missed you’? You can take your sapphires and shove them up your ass_.

“Okay?” Fili asked. _Stupid question. There is no way Kili is okay. He may never be again if the doctor can’t control the infection spreading through his lungs, but Kili doesn’t know that yet and Amad told me not to say anything. I have no idea what to say to him though I’m pretty sure I know what he wants to hear._ “So, I’ll let you rest then. I’ll see you later.” 

The door opened again letting the light spill in for a moment then it was dark again. Kili liked the dark, always had. The bright lights were the only thing he hated about touring. Seeing new places and meeting new people was amazing but the bright stage lights hurt his eyes. But touring was part of the business he’d chosen to go into. There had been a time when Kili was going to ask his brother to become part of a new band he was thinking about forming after he’d switched majors to music theory and composition, but then Durin’s Day happened, their encounter happened, and Fili was gone.

This time when Kili started to cough no family came to help him.

***

The dream hadn’t come to him for weeks, but that night as Fili lay in bed in the hotel room Thorin had booked in Gondor it all came flooding back. Kili wasn’t dressed in the brown suit he usually wore to holiday gatherings. That night he was in an emerald green button front shirt and black trousers. He looked amazing so Fili started drinking. Kili was watching him every time he went to the bar, always a little bit prudish when it came to alcohol, Fili knew Kili would keep track of how many drinks he had, see that he got home safe. Fili watched right back, a little more subtle about it though, he always positioned himself with Kili in front of him or so he could see Kili through his peripheral vision. It was hard to watch his brother laughing and smiling at other people when Fili really wanted all his brother’s attention for himself. The music was loud, heavy bass thumped in his head as he tried to listen to whatever it was somebody was saying to him, but the air was getting thin. There were so many people all pushing together; he had to get out. 

He’d only taken a few steps out of the room when Kili took him by the hand. Pulled into the empty conference room where it was quiet and dark relaxed Fili a little until Kili turned on the light.

“What’s wrong with you tonight?” Kili demanded.

“Nothing. Go away. Leave me alone.” Fili pushed at his brother who had started fussing, trying to get him to sit down.

“I will not leave you alone,” Kili stopped trying to get his brother to sit though, took a step back. “Tell me what’s wrong.”

The alcohol in Fili’s system had made him brave enough to say, “You look so good tonight.”

“Thank you. So, do you.” Fili had been dressed in a navy-blue suit with a white button shirt.

“No, I mean, you look _really_ good tonight. That color looks amazing on you.” Fili closed the gap between them, brought his arm up so he could touch the back of Kili’s head.

“Thank you,” Kili said again. His breathing was speeding up.

Fili could feel Kili trying to take a step back, felt pressure on the hand behind his brother’s head, but he stopped when Fili kissed him. “Really good,” Fili pressed another kiss to his brother lips, held tighter to the back of Kili’s head, lacing his fingers through Kili’s hair. With his free hand Fili tried to undo the buttons on Kili’s shirt but had no success. He had to use his other hand, but was sure Kili would back away. He didn’t; he opened his mouth instead to deepen the kiss. When he felt his brother’s hands on his waist Fili ripped open the shirt he loved. The buttons went flying. Not much more was said between them after that. He produced a foil packet of lube from out of his jacket pocket; Fili didn’t even remember putting it in there. Fili vaguely remembered Kili’s hands working open his trousers and he had been working on his own when Fili slapped his hand away; he wanted to reveal his brother himself. Had he touched Kili then; he wasn’t sure. Fili didn’t remember turning Kili around, but he knew Kili had been bent over the conference room table. Fili remembered Kili begging for more, harder, faster and Fili had obliged. He didn’t remember if Kili had come or not, he didn’t remember asking Kili if he was alright afterwards, all he remembered was waking up on the conference room floor. The lights were off and Kili was gone. The foil packet of lube was in the garbage can, there were no buttons on the floor.

When he first had the dream Fili woke up with a yell, sweating, grasping at the sheets and hard as a rock. Now, two years later, he just opened his eyes and lay there but was still hard. He never took himself in hand, thinking it would be too disturbing to masturbate to the memory of fucking his own brother and there was nobody else Fili had ever wanted that way. After he willed away the erection Fili turned over and tried to go back to sleep.

***

While Fili lay dreaming Kili lay in his hospital bed listening to the beeping of the monitors. Sometimes they would speed up, sometimes, if he held his breath, they would slow down. But if he held his breath he would start to cough so he didn’t do that anymore. He was sweating under the blankets but couldn’t kick them off because he was also cold. His chest hurt, his right hand hurt where the IV was plugged into it, his left arm hurt where it was broken, his lower back hurt, his head hurt and he was tired but he refused to close his eyes. He was afraid that if he closed his eyes they would never open again, he’d never have a chance to see Fili again. _Fili. Are you still in town? Do you even care that I could die? I’m amazed you bothered to come if you love work so much. I don’t even know what you do for Uncle Thorin at the mine. Surely, you don’t do actual mining. Maybe you do. Was it you who found the sapphires? No, I can’t see it. You probably have the office next to Thorin. It probably has floor to ceiling windows with a view of The River Running and the meadow. I heard Thorin had apartments built inside the top of the mountain. Do you have one of those? Or do you still live with Thorin? Maybe, when I get out of here I’ll come for a visit. Would you like that? Would I?_

Kili dreamed awake. His dream was mostly the same as his brother’s up to the point of the first kiss. Kili wanted to melt into his brother’s touch. Fili was pulling at his hair, bringing his face closer but Kili hesitated; Fili was a little drunk. There might be regrets later. But when Fili’s lips touched his Kili lost the ability for rational thought. By the time the buttons of his shirt hit the floor he stopped thinking altogether. He remembered the feel of Fili’s hand stroking his hard cock, turning him around, opening him up with the cold lube. Fili’s hands were back in his hair when he thrust inside for the first time. He remembered begging for more and getting it. He remembered the burning and coming while Fili kept pounding into him over and over until he cried out. He remembered Fili crumpling to the floor, cleaning him up, picking up the buttons. There was a moment Kili considered staying, trying to wake Fili up, but in the end he decided to go. If there was going to be shock and regret in his brother’s eyes Kili didn’t want to see it. If he was lucky, Kili thought, maybe Fili wouldn’t remember what happened. It was clear the next day when they had seen each other again that Fili did remember but did his best to act like he didn’t. When later that day, Fili had packed his bags and announced he was leaving, Kili had begged Fili to stay, had said he loved him. But that wasn’t good enough for Fili. They hadn’t seen each other since.

_I should just die and save Fili the trouble of having me for a brother. He could come home again. Amad would be so happy to have him back. Dying would be better than not being able to sing anymore anyway. But I didn’t do anything wrong. I’ve suffered these last two years, felt like what happened was all my fault when I didn’t do anything wrong. Neither of us did anything wrong. I knew how he felt. We’d flirted with each other for years. He finally got up the courage to fuck me and I wanted him. I loved him and he left me. So, yeah fuck Fili. If he can’t stand being around me then he can fuck off. If he wants to be rid of me,** he** can die._


	3. Taking a Turn

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Kili thinks one thing but may write something entirely different while he can’t or won’t talk to people who come to see him.

Two days later it looked like Kili had taken a turn for the better so Fili went back home. He’d been in his brother’s room several times, even though Kili still could not see. Fili never went in alone. He never spoke another word, never apologized or tried to make things right; there was no need, Kili was going to be fine. Fili could relax. There would be plenty of time later.

The call came in the afternoon. Fili was in his office going through the mail. “Amad?”

“He’s taken another turn, Fili. You may want to come back. The doctors can’t seem to get the mix of medications right. They had to put the tube back down his throat to help him breathe. He kept trying to pull it out so they have to keep him sedated.”

“Is it really bad?”

“What kind of question is that, Fili? Isn’t what I just described bad enough! How much worse do you need the situation to be before you climb down out of your emerald encrusted tower to come see him again? I’m so disappointed in you.”

“I’m sorry, Amad, truly. I’ll be on the next plane.”

“You know what? Don’t bother. I can see you’re not willing to take any steps to mend your relationship with your brother. I just hope you won’t be sorry if he doesn’t pull through and you never get the chance.”

“Amad…”

“I’ll call you with any news.”

The line went dead before Fili could say another word. _How can I be so heartless? Have I pushed my feelings for Kili so far down I don’t feel anything anymore? There was a time I loved him so much it physically hurt. And here I sit flipping through mail not giving a toss if my brother lives or dies without knowing how I truly feel about him. But that’s just it, isn’t it? He’s my brother. I love my brother. I fucked my brother. I’m a terrible, disgusting person. It doesn’t matter if he wanted it or if he said he loved me. I should’ve known better. I should’ve been able to control myself. It felt so right though, so good. If I could’ve gotten him into bed I could’ve made it even better for him. I would take my time, we could explore each other thoroughly, find our most sensitive spots. I’d make sure he got off… See, I’m still thinking about him like that. I’m disgusting. I need to stay away. It’s better for both of us._

***

“I don’t know about him, Thorin,” Dis whispered to her brother while they sat in Kili’s hospital room. “They were so close before he moved to Erebor. Now he’s a completely different person.”

The change in Fili had not gone unnoticed by others. “I see it too. I was telling him that Kili sent me two VIP tickets to his concert in Dale and Fili said, ‘That was nice of him’ and told me he didn’t want to go. His own brother, on stage, and Fili didn’t want to go.”

“I wish I knew what happened, maybe I could help fix it.”

Thorin thought he knew what had happened, had seen a shirtless Kili leaving the conference room, but he would never say anything; it wasn’t his secret to tell. “They have to work it out between them.”

“I know. But how can they work it out if they’re never together. If Kili doesn’t make it,” she paused to stifle a sob, “they’ll never get the chance.”

“You could always move to Erebor.”

“Move to Erebor?”

“Why not? Kili might need physical therapy and will probably need a voice coach if he ever wants to sing again. There’s a great rehab place in Dale he can go to on an outpatient basis.”

“That’s a great idea. I can’t believe it never crossed my mind even before now. I’ll do it.” But then something occurred to her, “Fili has his own place. Even if I move to Erebor they may never see each other.”

“I’ll tell Fili he has to come to family dinners, socialize more, be part of the family again if he wants to take over our family-run business.”

“I hope it doesn’t backfire on us. Fili could always leave again.”

“It won’t backfire. Together we can get the boys talking again.”

“I hope you’re right.”

“Trust me. Fili will do what I tell him to.” _If I have to, I’ll tell him that I know what happened._

“Thank you, Thorin.”

“Anytime, little sister.”

***

One morning a week later the doctors felt like Kili was out of danger. He still coughed and was running a slight fever but the antibiotics had gotten him through the worst of it. He was awake when the doctors came into the room to say that he would have permanent tissue damage in his lungs. He’d cried silent tears that the people in the room mistook for sadness regarding his career. But for Kili, the pain and disappointment ran much deeper. _I’ll never sing again. How will Fili know how I feel if I can’t sing?_ They’d left him alone for a while to get used to the idea of something he’d never get used to. Now, he was sitting up in bed listening to his mother’s plan for their future.

‘Erebor?’, Kili wrote. He could open his eyes enough to write on a note pad he got from a nurse, still afraid to talk and start coughing again. _I’ll never sing again so I guess it doesn’t really matter where I live. Still, Erebor? I can think of nicer places. Places that don’t have Fili in them._

“Yes,” his mother replied. “Thorin says there is a wonderful physical rehab place in Dale. They can help you with your back.”

_Great._ ‘Can I get an apartment in Dale?’ Kili turned the pad around so his mother could read it.

“Absolutely not.” Dis shook her head so emphatically the clips holding her braided hair clinked together, “Thorin and I want the family together again. He even arranged for you to have the apartment next to Fili.”

‘I’d rather live with the elves in Greenwood.’

“Don’t be silly. Everyone knows how our family feels about the elves in Greenwood. They’re a snobby, stuck-up bunch of good-for-nothings.”

_They liked my music though, every ticket sold_. ‘Yes. I know.’ Kili remembered the story of how the King of the Greenwood refused to send help when there had been a fire in Erebor. That had been years ago, but the bad feelings ran deep on both sides.

“Everything is all set. Thorin will send the plane as soon as the doctor clears you to leave.”

_Wonderful_.

***

“What’s stopping you from getting your own place in Dale?” Ori, the band’s keyboardist and a good friend of Kili’s asked. “You’re an adult dwarf. You have your own money. Can’t you decide where you want to live?”

Ori’s head was still bandaged like Kili’s, most of the riders on the bus suffered head trauma but Kili didn’t put Ori’s comments down to injury. ‘I’ll go to Erebor because Amad asked me to’, Kili wrote.

“It’s too bad you’ll be living next to Fili. I know how much you guys don’t get along. We could have some great parties if you had a place somewhere else.”

Kili was going to write something about him and Fili not getting along but changed his mind; it wasn’t anybody’s business really. ‘Not much in the mood for parties lately’.

“That sucks. What are you going to do if you can’t sing again?”

_Kill myself_. ‘I’ll think of something. Maybe I’ll go to work for Thorin’.

“My brothers work in the mine. They hardly ever see the light of day. You’d hate it. You’d miss the sunshine too much.”

_Sunshine? You don’t know me at all, do you?_ ‘I like the dark. The apartment is supposed to be very nice, balcony and everything.’

“That’s cool. I hope you’ll have me over soon.”

‘Absolutely’. _But probably not. I’m going to want to forget about the band, singing, writing, recording and touring. And that means I’m going to want to forget about the band members too._

“Great. I think I’ll go back to my room now. I’ll see you later.”

Kili just nodded good-bye.

***

“So, can’t talk at all then?” Alfrid Lickspittle asked. He was a representative from the record company that released the music from Kili’s band, Dragon Fire.

‘No, not yet’. Kili had written. He was so sorry his eyes could open. Alfrid had a face that would give him nightmares for years. _Ever hear of tooth whitening strips, buddy?_ _Didn’t have time to shower this morning? You smell like rotten fish._

“But the doctor says you’ll be able to soon? Only that there’s the tour to think about. The tickets have been sold. The company isn’t too keen to give the people back their money.”

_Oh, I’m so sorry, let me jump right out of bed and head to Rohan for the shows, maybe I can hold up giant flash cards with the words on them while the band plays behind me. The fans know the words, they can sing for me._ ‘Tour will have to be suspended indefinitely’.

“That’s too bad. Too bad we don’t know how that horse got onto the road. We could sue the owner for damages. Them busses don’t come cheap either, you know.”

_Is that ‘too bad’? You are a terrible person; a ‘garbage person’ is what my Adad would’ve called you_. Kili shrugged.

“Alright then. You just rest up and get back on stage as soon as. People are depending on you, wouldn’t want to let the fans down, would you? They’ll forget you if you don’t come back soon, wouldn’t want that to happen, would you?”

_Wouldn’t I? Get out!!!! _Kili shook his head.

Thankfully Alfrid had learned and said all he needed to. He left without another word.

***

After one more week Kili was cleared to leave the hospital, though he had a portable oxygen tank to take with him. At least it was portable so all he had to do was sling a strap over his shoulder. He’d seen people tethered to oxygen tanks they had to wheel around behind them. That was something Kili would and could not do especially up the ramps and stairs of Erebor. He also had a new tablet to write with instead of the paper pad. Thorin had called it a ‘temporary gift’ until Kili was able to start talking again.

It was colder outside than Kili remembered it being the last time he was outside in Gondor. There was a hint of winter in the crisp air, a feeling of snow on the way, he thought he could smell it on the wind. There was a mob of fans and reporters waiting for him. They were held back by a line of yellow police tape but yelled questions and comments at him anyway. He was relieved he couldn’t answer, the last thing he wanted to do was talk about how he felt about the career he loved so much going into the shitter or his going to live in Erebor. Or the fact that a weasel named Alfrid something, Kili had already forgotten, came to see him to find out exactly how bad the management company’s asset was damaged. He waved politely and smiled as he got out of the wheelchair and climbed into the limo after his mother.

The flight was uneventful despite Kili’s prayer to have it crash into the side of the mountain to spare him from having to see his brother again, to be rejected all over again. His heart had broken when Dis had told him that Fili had returned to Erebor. He hadn’t even said good-bye (again). 

A dwarf he instantly recognized as Ori’s brother Nori drove the limo that picked them up from the airstrip. _So much for never seeing the light of day_. The car went along the road next to The River Running as she made her way out of the mountain southeast to the Sea of Rhun. The valley the river ran through looked much like it always had to Kili; desolate. His mother and uncle had once described the area as ‘thick with tall pine trees’ and promised that they would stand again but not even a sapling had grown there in the fifty years since the fire. Before he knew it, the mountain loomed up large before them, blocking out the sun. He had arrived at his new home.

Thorin was there to greet them but Fili was not. “Fili’s tied up in a sales conference at the moment or I’m sure he would’ve come down,” Thorin explained.

“Of course,” Dis said as she put a protective arm around her youngest son’s shoulders, “I’m sure he wouldn’t want to miss welcoming his brother home.”

_Oh yeah, I’m sure he did everything he could to break free._ Kili turned his notepad to his uncle.

“You want a job?” Thorin asked in surprise. “That’s awful fast isn’t it? What about therapy?”

‘Forget it. Waste of time.’ Kili wrote back. ‘Wanna be useful.’ While he had plenty of money to do whatever he wanted or nothing at al,l Kili felt like he had to keep moving or he would go crazy. He marched through the mountain’s entrance leaving his mother and uncle to stare after him.

“This may work out, Dis.” Thorin said to his sister once Kili had disappeared inside. “We can put him in Fili’s department.”

“Fili as Kili’s boss? Oh, he’ll love that. But Kili can’t talk. Doesn’t Fili’s department handle the phone orders?”

“Kili can process the emails that come through. He won’t have to talk.”

“Very quick thinking, Brother. I’m impressed.” She gave her brother a playful push to show she was teasing.

“Me too,” Thorin laughed while giving Dis a playful shove back.

Arm in arm they followed Kili into the mountain.

Nori trailed behind with their bags.


	4. Dinner

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Fili will do what Thorin says, but that doesn’t mean he has to be happy about it. Kili devises a plan.

The minute Kili stepped into his apartment he hated it. The door opened into the kitchen, ahead of him was the living room. _Open concept, blech. Why don’t people like walls anymore? I wonder if Thorin would let me renovate. _He was shocked at how bright it was. The hospital had been relatively dark with most of the lights off and the curtains drawn. The balcony with its large windows faced west so the setting sun shone right inside. There were no drapes or blinds that he could find to close to keep the light out.

On top of the headache he felt coming on, his back was starting to ache again, and the weight of the oxygen machine was starting to hurt his shoulder. He’d not taken any pain pills since leaving the hospital but didn’t want to waste energy searching for them. He retreated to the bedroom leaving Nori to drop his bag just inside the door. He heard Nori say ‘good-bye’ but didn’t bother trying to answer. 

He climbed on to the bed to rest. _Hey, this is my bed from home. And that’s my dresser. Amad and Thorin really moved fast. My clothes are probably hanging in the closet too. I’ll look later. I guess I’ll have to go shopping to replace what was lost in the accident. That’s too bad. I really liked what I had, there was a pair of jeans that made my ass look great. I would’ve worn those especially for Fili tonight. I really should’ve gotten my own place as soon as the band became successful, but I couldn’t be bothered. I’m paying the price for that now. Still, I’ve always loved this bed. I would’ve taken it with me when I moved out. A nice place, small but nice, with a view of the Greenwood Forest. The family would disown me, but I think it’s time for them to get over the past. Maybe I’ll write a song about old wounds that never heal. _That thought depressed Kili who soon found himself drifting off to sleep. _No, no, can’t sleep, got a dinner to go to. But maybe thirty minutes wouldn’t hurt._ He lay still, tried to stop thinking so much and let go.

When he woke up an hour and a half later Kili had to rush as fast as his aching back and casted wrist would let him get ready. _Can’t be late for the first dinner. No time to shower. I’ll just change. I know Thorin said we didn’t have to dress but these clothes aren’t good enough._ He washed his face, ran a comb through his hair, decided not to braid it or pull it back but left it hanging loose so he could hide his face if he had to; if somebody asked him something too embarrassing or if he didn’t want to see his brother. After he changed his shirt and strapped on his oxygen, he headed out the door to the private elevator that would take him to Thorin’s house on top of the mountain.

***

Fili had decided to change the beads in his moustache before dinner. It took longer than he expected. _I’m late and I don’t care. It’s been a long day. Family dinner, ugh. I guess it’s too late to come down with a case of mountain fever. At least we don’t have to get dressed up. Ha-ha, always looking on the bright side, I am_. Fili would’ve laughed harder if he had it in him. He checked the hall both ways before stepping into it. He had been told that his brother would be moving in next door and thought he had heard the door to that apartment close a few minutes before, but he didn’t want any surprise meetings. 

On the elevator ride up Fili thought about Thorin’s house. He really loved it, carved out of the living stone at the top of the mountain and three stories high. From the outside it looked dark and foreboding but the inside was bright and airy. Thorin had instructed his decorators to use earth tones so the rooms were all in muted shades of blues, browns, greens and rose. The upholstered furniture was oversized and overstuffed; Fili could just sink into it and stay there for hours. The wooden furniture was oak, stained dark or aged Fili couldn’t tell. The kitchen was white and grey with splashes of red. Like in the apartments the windows were floor to ceiling in the public areas of the home but average sized in the family’s private rooms.

The elevator doors opened into Thorin’s great room. As soon as he got off the elevator Fili could hear the ruckus coming from the dining room. It sounded like Thorin had invited half the mountain. _So much for ‘family’ dinner._ Thorin was at the head of the table with Dis on his left, Kili sat next to her then there was an empty chair for him. On Thorin’s other side was Balin, his oldest friend and advisor. Dwalin, Balin’s brother, was next, his arm still in a sling. The rest of the party was made up of Thorin’s other close friends some of whom were also members of Kili’s band. _I wonder if he would’ve asked me to join if I hadn’t fucked up so bad. Ha-ha, no pun intended. I’m so funny. This night is going to be horrific._

Everyone was shouting, laughing and tossing food at each other. A round of cheers went up when he was finally noticed in the doorway. He greeted everyone with waves and smiles as he took his seat next to his own brother. Kili, his head and shoulders bowed down, was looking just about as happy to be there as Fili was. Around the table were plates of sliced ham, roast beef and turkey. There were assorted vegetables, sliced bread already covered in a thick layer of butter, pasta in sauce, a carafe of wine and a pitcher of beer that was being passed around. Fili declined the beer in favor of water as he helped himself to food. _Better safe than sorry._ Kili’s plate was still empty, his tablet on the table between them, open to a blank page.

“Eat something,” Fili heard his mother say to Kili. But Kili shook his head. He picked up his tablet, typed furiously, gave it to her then rushed from the room.

Dis put the tablet back on the table before following her youngest son. Fili leaned over to see that Kili had written, ‘I think I’m gonna be sick’.

_Poor Kili. I guess this is all a bit much for him his first night out of the hospital. I wonder why Thorin did this. _

A few minutes later Dis came back into the room. She said to Thorin, “He’s alright. I put him in a guest room.”

Since the guest of honor was gone the party wasn’t quite the same. Everyone ate quietly, some went as far as to decline dessert, something dwarves never did, and left as soon as it was polite to do so. Fili didn’t feel like eating much, but when he tried to excuse himself Thorin said, “Fili, I’d like you to stay, there’s something I need to go over with you.”

***

In the thankfully dark guest room Kili heard the noise from the party die down. If he had known it was going to be a party instead of just a family dinner he would’ve stayed in bed, sent word to his mother that his back hurt and he couldn’t make it. The fact that a few members of his band were there made it even worse. But band members had family that worked in the mine, they had also been friends with his uncle since forever so Kili guessed it was only natural that they would be invited to dinner. Ori had asked for an invitation to his new apartment before Kili had even sat down at the table. Bofur, who played the horn, had hugged him fiercely and said how glad he was that Kili was still alive. Bombur, Bofur’s brother and the band’s drummer, had always been quiet; he only smiled and waved. They had a cousin, Bifur, who worked in the mine and made toys for children in his spare time. Dwalin was there next to his brother Balin and rounding out the party were Gloin, Thorin’s and Kili’s financial manager and his brother Oin who was Thorin’s personal physician.

When Fili had entered the room Kili felt his stomach lurch. He was wearing a blue sweater, not the navy he usually wore but a light blue that really brought out the color of his eyes. His hair was braided back on both sides and tied in back with a leather strap. Just the thought of sitting next to him without the ability to talk or touch made Kili feel sick.

_Nothing has changed. They haven’t changed. They still talk loudly, laugh a lot and drink even more. And why they like to throw food at each other I’ll never understand. I don’t know how or why Thorin puts up with all that. I’ve never seen him toss anything, not even a hardboiled egg. And the mess afterwards, yuck!_ Kili tried to put the thoughts out of his head. He was starting to drift off to sleep when he thought he heard his brother’s voice shout, ‘What! No way!’

***

“Kili is going to work, at least temporarily, in your department. He’ll handle the emails which will free up your other reps to answer the phones.” They had moved into the living room, cleaner and more comfortable than the dining room.

“What! No way!”

“You’ll have to train him too.”

“He’s your brother. He needs our love and support right now. You need to do this for him.” Dis was surprised by how vehemently Fili had expressed himself.

“There must be someplace else he can go. He’d be great in public relations.”

“You give me one good reason you don’t want your brother in your department and I’ll change my mind.” Thorin knew Fili would keep his mouth shut. When Fili kept quiet Thorin asked, “Is he lazy?”

Fili shook his head.

“Is he unreliable?”

Again, Fili shook his head, “No.”

“What’s the problem then?” Dis asked.

“He doesn’t know the product.”

“Kili knows his gems.”

Fili couldn’t deny that either, in fact, Kili knew them better than Fili did before he came to Erebor. “Fine.”

“Good. He’ll start tomorrow.” Thorin returned to the dining room and his remaining guests.

“Fine.” Fili said to his uncle’s back.

“Don’t be so sour, Fili.” Dis put her arm around her eldest son’s shoulders. “He’s your brother. Can’t you forgive him for whatever it was he did to make you so upset?”

_Forgive him for what he did? I can’t forgive myself._ “Kili didn’t do anything to me.”

“Then why are you so angry with him?”

“I’m not angry with him.”

“I don’t understand you. You certainly act like you’re angry. Tell me what happened.”

“Nothing happened. I mean, it wasn’t his fault.”

“So, something happened between the two of you, it wasn’t his fault but you can’t be around him anymore?”

“Something like that.”

Dis shook her head, “Work it out.”

It wasn’t a request, Fili heard the demand in his mother’s soft voice, “Yes, Amad.”

***

From where he sat on the stairs, Kili heard everything. _Fili is mad at himself for what we did so he doesn’t want to be around me anymore. Does that mean he’s afraid it would happen again? Is he tempted? Would he want it to happen again? I want it to happen again. I haven’t been with anyone else despite all the rumors about elves. Has he been with someone else? _The thought of his brother lying with someone else angered Kili. _If he had someone in his life I’m sure he would’ve brought him or her to Amad’s house to show off, to hurt me. He can’t. He just can’t._

A shadow blocked the light making Kili look up, it was Fili.

“I guess you heard.” _He’s wearing green. How did I not notice before? I should’ve kept walking, pretended I didn’t see him._

Kili didn’t have his tablet so he nodded.

“You got your wish. Don’t be late.”_ And don’t wear green._

Since he didn’t have his tablet he couldn’t let his brother know that he hadn’t asked to be in that department. Kili just shook his head. He wanted to cry. When Fili turned to walk away Kili jumped up from the stairs, grabbed his brother by the arm to turn him around then hugged him.

It happened so fast Fili didn’t have time to react until Kili’s arms were around him. He didn’t smell like Kili though, there was still a faint smell of the hospital antiseptic on him, Fili was grateful for that or he might not have broken free. “Stop that. Not again. No. Don’t give me that kicked puppy look either. It won’t work.” It took all the strength Fili had to turn and walk away.

Kili knew he had his brother right where he wanted him, and eventually he’d have him someplace else too.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Working from home is not as good as I thought it would be. I thought I'd have tons of time to write but I can't seem to get motivated to do anything. Don't worry though, this fic is complete.


	5. The Wrong Idea

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Kili gets the wrong idea about something he overheard and makes a drastic change. Fili gets some advice from Thorin.

There was a small, open ‘bull-pen’ area outside the executive offices. Thorin’s executive assistants sat in the first row followed by Fili’s team of order clerks. Thorin had managed to rearrange the workers so Kili sat in the far corner outside Fili’s office. And even though Fili could only see his brother’s back he still felt like he was being watched. He had to make this work for Thorin, for his own future. He didn’t think his uncle would actually leave the business to somebody else, but he could always sell or shut down when he decided to retire. 

It was the last day of Kili’s first week. It had gone well. He had required a minimum amount of training, had written in all capital letters that he knows ‘HOW TO ANSWER AN EMAIL, FILI! THANK YOU’ on his pad. That had put a smile of Fili’s face for the first time in his brother’s presence. Now, Kili sat at his desk, cast gone, typing away, headphones on listening to only he knew what. _Does he still listen to the same music we listened to as kids? Or does he listen to his own voice signing back to him? I should get one of his albums. It must be good if what everyone has said to me is true. It must be really hurting him not to be able to do that anymore. But, Amad says he doesn’t want to go for voice lessons. I wonder why not? He stood on stage singing in front of thousands of people who were cheering for him. He must miss that. Maybe he’s afraid his voice wouldn’t be the same and people won’t like it. But he’s not even trying. That’s not like him. At least it’s not like the Kili I used to know. He would never quit. I don’t really know this Kili, but I can’t see him giving up without even trying._

***

Less than a week ago Kili had decided that music was in his past. He didn’t want to sing it, write it or even listen to it. But after one day of sitting at his desk he thought he would go crazy in the silence of the office. It’s not even that the office was that quiet, the phones never seemed to stop ringing. And there was the constant hum of his oxygen machine to listen to. It was that there were down times for him when there weren’t any emails to answer. So, every day Kili sat at his desk, put on his headphones and turned on his inspiration. He listened to everything that had inspired him to become a singer; music by dwarves, elves and men, new and old. Everything but himself. Not only did Kili listen, Kili wrote. Even if he couldn’t sing anymore there were feelings in his head and his heart that needed to be told. They would never be put to music. They would never be sung in front of a crowd.

***

Both brothers decided separately to grin and bear the family dinners eaten at the kitchen table instead of in the large dining room. Nothing much was said between them but Kili would pass the salt when asked and take the pepper if it was offered to him. Kili’s feelings were mixed when it came to his brother. One minute he would be angry at the way Fili treated him, the next he would be sad, then determined to make their relationship change. Most of the time he thought they were in a good place until one night when he heard it.

Too restless to sleep Kili was out on his balcony, after the sun had set. Usually Fili’s sliders were shut but that night they were open. There was moaning coming from his brother’s apartment. _Fili’s having sex with somebody. _Kili didn’t want to listen. He slammed the sliding door shut then went to his room to cry.

***

The orgasm woke Fili immediately. _Shit. I need a shower. I can’t believe that happened. It must be because Kili has been so close lately. I’m thinking about him way too much. Maybe I should find someone to have actual sex with – no, it wouldn’t be fair to them. I love Kili too much. But it’s so wrong. Amad would kill me. Thorin would kill me. My life would be over. But, then again, I’d have Kili. If he still wants me. But his public life would end. We would have to disappear. Nobody would want to go see the band with the lead singer who was sleeping with his brother. But he doesn’t sing anymore. He should. I still don’t know why he won’t try. I wish I could talk to him about it. _Then something occurred to Fili. _I’ll talk to Thorin._

***

The next day Kili was not at his desk. He had sent an email to Fili saying that he had a migraine and his back hurt too much, so he was staying in bed to rest. Fili had no reason to doubt it. Kili would be missed though, he turned over eighty five percent of his inquiries into sales; he was the best in the department and he’d just started. After sending an email to Thorin to request a meeting Fili set to work but he couldn’t help but glace up every once in a while, to the spot where Kili should be.

*

Thorin’s office was down the hall from Fili’s. The layout was the same but it was three times larger with a view of the plain that led to the Iron Hills. He never had to wait for his uncle to get off the phone or finish a meeting; if Thorin said to come at a certain time he would be ready. Fili sat down in the chair across from his uncle, he was nervous but tried his best to hide it. “I wanted to talk to you about Kili.”

Thorin wasn’t surprised at the subject of the meeting but he was surprised it had taken Fili so long to bring it up. “What about him?”

“I think he’s wasting his time.”

“How do you mean? More orders are coming out of your department than ever.”

“He’s not meant for this kind of work. He’s supposed to be on stage.”

“He’s doing what he wants to do. You know we all wanted him to go to rehab, that’s why he and your mother moved here.”

“I know but it’s wrong, he’s wrong.”

“Have you talked to him about it?”

“No.”

“What do you expect me to do?”

“Nothing. _ I_ want to do something.”

“Talk to him?”

“No, fire him.”

“What?”

“Yeah. If I fire him he’ll have nothing to do. He’ll have to go to rehab.”

“No.”

“Uncle, let’s be reasonable. His talent is being wasted.”

“It’s his to waste if he wants to.”

“He needs to be pushed.”

“He needs support. He may come around some day.”

“Someday may be too late. I’m going to fire him.”

“No, you’re not.”

“It’s my department.”

“It’s my company.”

“What if I tell him he’ll be fired if he doesn’t go to therapy?”

“And if he refuses? I won’t let you fire him.”

“Can you transfer him?”

“No.”

“Uncle Thorin…” it came out like a whine, Fili flinched. “Sorry.”

“Fili,” Thorin took a deep breath, he’d hoped he’d never have to say what he was about to say to his nephew. “I know why you came to Erebor.”

“What do you mean?”

“You didn’t come to learn mining.”

“Of course I did.”

“No, you came to get away from Kili.”

“That’s ridiculous.”

“Fili, I know what happened between the two of you. I saw Kili in the hallway. He wasn’t wearing his shirt. After he got on the elevator I went into the conference room. You were asleep on the floor, there was an open pack of lube next to you. I threw it into the waste basket.”

Fili could feel his face burning with shame and embarrassment. His head was spinning. If he could think of something to say the words would dry up in his throat. He felt like he was going to be sick.

“It’s alright, Fili. I mean, it’s not all alright but I understand. I’m not angry with you for that but I am very disappointed in the way you’ve acted ever since.”

It surprised Fili when he found voice enough to say, “I’m not very happy with the way I’ve acted either.”

“Why did you run away?”

“How could I have stayed? I had sex with my brother. My brother! Whether he wanted it or not I should’ve known better. I should’ve been able to stop myself. It was wrong and I can’t forgive myself.”

“’Whether he wanted it or not’? Are you saying you forced yourself on him?”

“I had my hands on him. I could feel him trying to pull away but I held on and kissed him. I should’ve let him go.”

“Did he kiss you back?”

“Eventually. But he had tried to pull away. I wouldn’t let him go.”

“You need to talk to him.”

“I can’t.”

“You have to.”

“But what if I forced him?”

“Do you really think you did? I’ve seen Kili around you. He looks so lost. I’ve seen him reach out when your back is turned but he pulls his hand away. I’ve seen him watch you when you’re not looking. He loves you. I’m one hundred percent sure of that. If you had forced him he wouldn’t look at you the same way.”

“But he’s my brother.” Fili sat for a moment trying to digest everything he’d just heard but he had a question, many questions. “Why aren’t you more upset? I thought if you ever found out you’d be furious or disgusted or both.”

“I’ve had two years to get used to the idea. You and Kili are not the first brothers or I should say family members to become involved in such a way.”

For a moment Fili thought the worst; the look on his face must’ve shown it.

“I’m not talking about our family specifically. I mean dwarf families in general.”

“Oh,” Fili relaxed but not by much, “I didn’t know that.”

“Not a lot of people do. It’s not something we, as a society, are proud of.”

“I can see why not.”

“Will you talk to your brother?”

“Don’t take offense but how do I know what you say is true?”

“Do the research yourself. There are a number of family histories down in the archives. But be warned, you may not like what you find.”

***

“Who in Durin’s name does he think he is, having sex with someone else?!” Kili shouted before he realized what he was doing. He had laid in bed all morning stewing over the sounds he had heard coming from his brother’s apartment. Now he was angry, out of bed and pacing around the room, “He’s not allowed to be with anyone else! Nobody could love him like I love him!” Then it hit him. He was talking. Talking and not coughing. Not only talking but yelling and not coughing. But the joy he should’ve felt at the discovery was overshadowed by his anger at his brother. “I have to think of something to get back at him.” Kili came up with something instantly. He’d go to the family dinner and put his plan in motion after. He wasn’t afraid he wouldn’t be able to find somebody to do what he wanted; he had enough money to pay for their service and their silence.

*

“I’m glad you texted, Kili. I love your apartment. I’m staying with my brother, Dori, until I can find something I like. I may have to start looking in Dale. I never realized how dark this place was until I spent so much time outside touring with the band.”

_Oh, shut up, Ori. I should’ve asked Nori to come with me. I’m sure he could get me where I need to go a lot quieter, and from what Dwalin says, I’d be able to pay him to keep what I’m going to do a secret._ “Yeah,” Kili whispered, his voice a little gravely. He didn’t want it to get out quite yet that he could talk. “I wish I had a place in Dale. I was even thinking about a flat in Greenwood.”

“Your family would have a collective conniption fit.”

“Yeah. Anyway, thanks for coming with me. I’m not sure where to go exactly. I haven’t been here in a long time.”

“No problem. I know this place really well. We just need to walk down a few more levels.”

The levels Ori was talking about were shopping levels carved out of the part of the mountain that wasn’t used for mining anymore. There was no room for an elevator so they had to walk down flight after flight of stone stairs. The service Kili was looking for wasn’t one often used by dwarves except on special occasions like weddings or funerals. When they reached the level Kili wanted he had to steel his nerves before walking into a shop.

“Are you sure you want to do this?” Ori asked Kili as he sat down in the chair. “It’s not too late to change your mind.”

Since they were out in the open Kili wrote on his pad, ‘I’m not going to change my mind’.

“Okay. I just hope you don’t regret it later.”

_That is a possibility. But I don’t care. Fili will hate it and that’s all that matters._

***

When Fili arrived in the office the next morning his staff were already at their desks, Kili included. At first Fili didn’t notice anything different about his brother. Then Kili turned his head. The left side of his brother’s head was shaved down to the scalp. 


	6. Feelings, Right and Wrong

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Kili doesn't get the reaction he thought he would from his brother (or anyone else). Will he do something even more drastic to get what he wants?

Kili had heard the gasps of shock when he walked through the crowd after he got his hair cut; dwarves _never_ got their hair cut. Dwalin had shaved his head or gone bald but he was in a class by himself. Dwarves got their beards trimmed and decorated for special occasions, but hair was never cut. But the gasp he heard from his brother was the loudest and sweetest. He smiled despite his attempt to remain stoic and pretend nothing was different or wrong. _That’s what you get for having sex with somebody who is not me. Drink it in, Fili._ Kili shook his head so the long brunet tresses on the right side waved back and forth.

“Kili, can I see you in my office,” Fili had composed himself enough to sound like he was calm but inside he was shaking. 

_Let me have it, Fili. Show me how much you care. Scream loud enough so all Erebor will here you._ Kili stood before his brother, tablet in hand waiting for the tirade to begin but he would be disappointed.

“I had a meeting with Thorin yesterday. We want you to start going to the voice coach in Dale. We believe your talents are being wasted here.”

_What?! No, no, no, no. The hair, Fili. Come on. I did it for you. Everything I do is for you._ Kili wrote, ‘No’, on his tablet before turning it around.

“I’m serious about this.”

‘So am I’, Kili wrote. ‘Can I go back to my desk now?’

“No. Once a week you are going to take an afternoon off and go to Dale. It’s either that or I will fire you.”

‘You can’t do that!!!’

“Yes, I can,” Fili lied, “Thorin authorized it yesterday.” _I hope Uncle won’t be too mad. I’m doing this for Kili’s sake._

‘I’m going to ask Thorin.’ _He would never let you fire me, Fili. Who do you think you’re talking to here?_

“Go ahead. He will tell you the same thing. Your voice lessons start this afternoon. Here’s the address.” Fili handed Kili a piece of paper. He had gone behind everyone’s back to arrange the lessons for his brother. 

Kili took the paper, turned on his heels but stopped short just outside the office door. He was torn between going to see Thorin right away to confront him and quit and sitting down at his desk. He chose to sit. _I know he’s mad, I saw it in his eyes, the way he couldn’t stop looking. I’ll sit here and let him watch me until I have to go. I will go to Dale. Maybe I’ll keep the appointment, maybe I won’t. Maybe I should’ve shaved my whole head. _

In his office, Fili was taking deep breaths to remain calm. _He’s not going to go to Thorin. I can’t wait until Thorin comes in. The fireworks will be epic. I bet Amad will cry. Shame on Kili for bringing this kind of heartbreak on our mother. If he wants to get back at me for being out of touch these last few years then fine, but he went too far. It does look kind of good though. I wonder what it feels like? Would he gasp if I pulled it like I did that night? Ugh, what am I thinking? Come on, Thorin, where are you?_

***

As soon as Thorin walked onto the office floor the receptionist informed him that Fili needed to see him urgently. 

_What have you done, Fili? I’m not firing Kili if that’s what you want. I won’t let you quit to get away from him either._ “Fili?”

“Come in,” Fili motioned with his hand trying to show urgency. “Shut the door.”

“What is it?”

“Kili cut his hair.”

“What?”

“Not cut exactly, but shaved half of his head down to the scalp.”

“What?”

“Stay calm.”

“I am perfectly calm.”

“I thought the best course of action was to say nothing.”

“He cut his hair?”

“Yes. But I thought we shouldn’t make that big of a deal about it.”

“Why did he cut his hair?”

“Probably to get a rise out of me. I won’t give him the satisfaction.”

“I’m going to kill him. His mother is going to kill him.” _I don’t have any words. My own nephew cut his hair. What was he thinking?_

“Thorin?”

“I’m alright. Yes. Yes. Okay. I agree. Say nothing. Go tell your mother.”

“No way. I think she’d take it better coming from you.”

“I have a meeting in finance.”

“I hope she doesn’t cry.”

On his way out of the office Thorin couldn’t help but glance at his other nephew. _Look at him, typing away like nothing is wrong. A hundred years ago he would’ve brought shame on our whole family. He would be shunned by everyone and probably have to leave the mountain. Thankfully things have changed but a dwarf cutting his hair is very rare. Kili will be the talk of the mountain for years._

***

Kili was fuming. He’d stayed at his desk all morning but couldn’t wait to leave appointment or not. Now he was walking to Dale. There was plenty of time before his appointment and he wanted to get out some aggression. Every pebble he kicked on the road had Fili’s face on it. _Screw you, Fili! I’ll tell Amad everything! I’ll tell her you fucked me at the party the day before you left for Erebor. Let’s see what will make her cry more._ But the last thing Kili wanted to do was upset his mother._ Fuck!_ _Maybe I should’ve thought this through a little more. I’ll have to see her before dinner to show her. Fuck! I hope she won’t be too upset. It’ll grow back. Thorin usually stops by to say ‘hello’ but he didn’t today and his office door was shut all morning. Fili must’ve told him and he decided to stay clear. That’s fine. I’m a disappointment and an embarrassment to my family. Cutting my hair was a big mistake. I’ll apologize to Amad and Thorin when I see them. I’m such a mess. All I wanted to do was get a reaction out of Fili. I don’t know what to do anymore. Everything is so fucked up. _Kili no longer kicked the pebbles and while he was still angry at his brother, he felt terribly guilty at the possibility that his mother would be hurt by what he had done.

*

Around the time of the fire that had burned through Erebor and the valley Dale had been hit with a devastating earthquake. The people had slowly rebuilt the city with the help of the dwarves and Greenwood elves. Kili preferred the elven architecture’s graceful curved lines and smooth surfaces to the dwarves ’s sharp corners and rough exteriors. The address he was looking for was in the section rebuilt by the elves called Upper Dale. The streets in this section climbed steadily up as it was carved into the mountain side. Kili believed this section had suffered less damage in the quake but the elves had added their touch to every building. As caught up as he was in the architecture, he almost missed his appointment. 

The words were already written on his tablet, ‘I do not want to sing anymore’ and ‘I don’t need or want your help’. He was ready. What he wasn’t ready for was the red headed she-elf that greeted him. She was tall with sparkling green eyes and the fairest complexion. She introduced herself as Tauriel. Her voice was a little off key but still beautiful. Kili fumbled with the tablet as he turned it around.

“Oh. I see. How about talking? Do you want to talk again?”

‘No’.

“Why don’t you have a seat anyway?”

_Why not? Fili should get his money’s worth. And she is rather pleasant to look at._ Kili sat on the chair she had indicated.

“Now, what’s this nonsense about not wanting to talk?”

‘Not nonsense’, he wrote.

“Of course, it is.”

Kili showed her the saved ‘No’ page again.

“I was at your last concert in the Greenwood. You were amazing. Your songs really touched me. They must be about somebody very special to you.”

‘Yes.’

“Don’t you want to talk for her?”

‘Him and no’.

“My apologies. May I ask why not?”

‘He’s sleeping with somebody else now.’

“Oh, I’m so sorry.”

‘Are we done?’

“There must be somebody else out there who would love to hear your voice again.”

‘No.’

“Your fans would love to hear you sing again.”

‘No.’

“Mother, father? Your brother seemed awful concerned.”

‘No, no and NO!’

“That’s too bad. Could you at least try to say ‘hello’ for me?” She hadn’t missed the way her newest client had looked, was still looking at her.

The urge to do what she wanted was so strong Kili couldn’t refuse, “Hello.”

“Hello. Your voice sounds good but a little gravely. Are you gargling or doing voice exercises?”

“No.”

“Do you always carry around that oxygen tank?”

“Yes.”

“Is it helping?”

“I have no idea. They told me to carry it, so I carry it.”

“How long have you been talking? Why are you hiding it?”

“I discovered I could talk yesterday. I’m hiding it because I don’t want anybody to know.”

“Do you think that’s fair to the people who care about you?”

“I guess I don’t care. I mean, look what I did to my hair.”

“I noticed. It’s certainly different for a dwarf but I think it looks good on you. Maybe you’ll start a trend.”

“My amad is going to kill me.”

“She won’t if you tell her why you did it.”

“I can’t.”

“Why not?”

“It’s personal.”

“I don’t mean to pry.”

“Sure you do. I’m famous. You want to know things about me. But you have to promise not to tell anyone I can talk.”

“I won’t tell if you come see me for your appointments. And gargle and do voice exercises, scales would be fine.”

“Are you blackmailing me?”

“Something like that, yes.”

She smiled and Kili felt butterflies in his stomach.

***

Fili found his mother walking around the grounds of Thorin’s mountain top home. “I was thinking that this place needs some greenery or flowers but it’s solid rock. We’d have to get planter boxes built,” she said when he reached her.

“That’s a great idea, Amad, but can we sit down. I have something to tell you.”

“You want me to sit down so it must be bad. Let’s go into the kitchen.” She led him through the open door. _I’d offer him a cup of tea but I want to hear the news faster than it would take water to boil. It’s better to get it over with quickly. Then, maybe, I’ll need something stronger._

“I don’t know how to tell you.”

“Just spit it out.”

“Kili did something terrible.”

Dis’s face went pale, “What did he do?” In an instant she imagined all sorts of terrible things.

“He shaved half his hair off.”

“Is that all? In Durin’s name, Fili, I thought you were going to tell me he murdered someone.”

“I don’t think you heard me correctly.”

“He shaved half his head. Which half?”

“The left side.”

“Has your uncle seen him?”

“Yes.”

“What did he say?”

“Not much.”

“Did he talk to Kili?”

“No.”

“What did you say to Kili?”

“I didn’t say anything to him about it.”

“Good,” Dis nodded, “Good.”

“Aren’t you upset?”

“Yes, Fili but it’s his hair. I have a feeling I know why he did it.”

“To get back at me.”

“Why should he need to get back at you? What have you done?”

“Nothing,” Fili replied quickly. “Why do you think he did it?”

“For the attention. He’s so used to everyone looking at him, watching him. He’s not getting that here. He needs a reason for people to look at him again.”

“Oh, right. I guess that could be it.”

“I’ll talk to him about it.”

“You’re not mad?”

“Like I said, it’s his hair. And it’s not the old days, Fili. People will talk but they’ll get over it. Besides, it will grow back. And if I know my son, he’s probably regretting it already.”

“You’re taking this a lot better than I imagined.”

“My reaction may be a lot different once I see him.”

***

All the way back to Erebor Kili thought about the voice coach. _She had the most expressive green eyes I’ve ever seen. I wonder what it would be like to kiss her. What would she taste like? She had a great body too. I can picture myself doing all kinds of things with her. I wonder if she’s ever been with a dwarf. Probably not. She probably has a hot elf boyfriend. This is kinda scaring me. I never thought of an elf that way. I’ve never thought of anyone but Fili that way. But when she laughed, I felt my cock twitch._


	7. Consequences and Reactions

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Fili continues his search of the archives while Kili searches for something to do.

The archives were kept not down in the deepest part of Erebor as someone might think but in a brightly lit library on the main floor. They were still a little dusty though making Fili occasionally sneeze. He’d started right after breakfast. It was now almost lunch time and he hadn’t found anything though he’d only been through two voluminous tomes. He looked at the shelves piled with thick volumes. _This is going to take forever. I wonder if Thorin could be more specific. The books are sorted by the family’s oldest ancestor. I looked for Durin first because we are direct descendants, but I couldn’t find anything. That’s where our family history should be. Maybe Thorin has it. Or maybe I should look for Thror or Thrain. _Fili went back to the stacks to look but there was nothing for his great-grandfather or grandfather. _Oh well, back to where I was._ But soon Fili found himself distracted by thoughts of the previous night’s family dinner. _ I’m glad Thorin wasn’t too mad. He would’ve been angrier if Kili hadn’t gone. Thankfully, he did or Thorin probably would’ve fired **me**. Still the ‘talking to’ was not fun. But I did it for Kili’s own good. Somebody had to do something. When he first walked off the elevator he looked pretty contrite but Amad said she liked his hair even though I think her reasoning was wrong. Her opinion put a cocky smile on his face. Thorin expressed his disappointment. I had to agree with him. I thought my opinion would make him angry but he looked rather sad. _

***

Kili was bored and restless. Weekends were so boring, he needed something exciting to do. There was an area of Erebor he’d heard about but had never visited. The particular area wouldn’t have the same kind of atmosphere during the day so he would go after dinner. And he’d go alone. Ori already knew one secret he didn’t have to know another. _I heard Fili go out earlier. He’s probably having breakfast with his lover. Maybe I should spend the day in Dale. Maybe I can accidentally bump into a redheaded elf with bright green eyes. Maybe she will take me back to her place for lunch. Maybe one thing would lead to another and she’d take me to her bed. She might not actually live in Dale though. She probably lives in the Greenwood someplace. I’ll have to mention to her that I thought about buying a cottage there. Maybe she’d offer to let me see hers. I’m getting way ahead of myself. She’s my doctor. I’m sure relationships with patients are against the rules. She’s not really a doctor though. And I’m more of a client. Still the odds of bumping into her today are small. It won’t hurt to go have a look around though. I haven’t been to Dale for shopping in a while. And if Fili brings his lover back to his apartment, I won’t have to listen to them fucking again._

On the coach to Dale Kili could feel the eyes of every dwarf on him. He was not usually one to be intimidated by others, but he kept his head down the whole way._ I should’ve worn a hat._ Thankfully, the ride to the marketplace in Dale was short. He spent just over half an hour in the market wandering from stall to stall, looking at the various trinkets for sale before he was recognized. One autograph became one hundred as he was surrounded by fans clamoring for selfies with him. _I’m going to be trampled to death and my hand hurts. I’ve never signed so much at one time._ He felt like the crowd was taking up all the air, squeezing it out of his body._ How do I turn this oxygen thing up? I guess I need it after all._ Then he heard it, a familiar voice; Dwalin.

The crowd around him slowly dispersed leaving him almost alone in the marketplace. Kili was able to inhale deeply from the oxygen tubes in his nose.

Dwalin shooed away the last autograph seeker then turned to Kili, “What do you think you’re doing?”

‘Shopping?’ Just before he opened his mouth to say it Kili remembered he wasn’t supposed to let anyone know he could talk yet and wrote on his tablet instead. 

“Alone?”

‘Yeah. I didn’t think it would be a big deal.’

“Have you forgotten who you are?”

_What? Oh._ ‘Yes, I guess I did.’

“You can’t just come out on your own.”

‘I thought I could.’ _Actually, I only thought about finding and sleeping with my voice coach._

“You thought wrong.”

‘I’m sorry.’

“You need an escort until these folks get used to seeing you.”

_You mean until these folks forget who I am; until I become just another dwarf looking to buy jewelry for their Amad._ He showed Dwalin the saved, ‘I’m sorry’ page again.

“It’s alright. You’re lucky I bumped into somebody who’d seen you leave. I was able to catch the next coach.” Coaches between Dale and Erebor left every twenty minutes.

‘I was here yesterday alone and that went fine.’

“The market isn’t as busy on a workday. And the kids were probably in school.”

‘Didn’t think of that.’

“Think of that the next time. Okay?”

‘Okay. Thank you for coming to my rescue.’

“You’re welcome. Are you done here or do you still need to get some things?”

‘I’m done.’ There was no way Kili wanted to run into Tauriel with his bodyguard in tow and his back was starting to hurt from being jostled in the crowd. ‘We can go.’ _I’ll have to get some sort of disguise so I can leave Erebor and come here on my own._

***

The records from four Erebor families lay on the table. Fili had gone through each book but had found nothing about sibling’s sleeping with each other. _Maybe I’m looking at this the wrong way. I need to pay more attention to marriage records or birth records. If I can find a record where siblings are recorded as birth parents then I’m set. That won’t help me in my problem with my brother but it will be a start. But would a brother-sister pair have any children? It’s worth watching out for._ Fili picked up the next book with renewed enthusiasm. Two hours later he set it down. There was nothing for that family either. Fili picked up the next book with a sigh.

*

The sun had set before Fili unlocked the door to his apartment. _Nothing. I spent all day looking and found nothing. There probably isn’t anything to find. Sibling incest is gross and wrong. Why would any family record that? But why would Thorin say it happened if it didn’t? I’m going to get him alone after dinner. I need more specific information. But first I need a shower. I’m going to be a little late for dinner but that’s too bad. If it’s a problem they can start without me._

*

Dinner had not started without him. Dis was sitting on a sofa in the living room but Thorin was behind closed doors in his study. There was another voice Fili quickly identified as Dwalin’s. They weren’t yelling but there was some emotion behind the words Fili heard; ‘Dale’, ‘alone’, ‘mob’, ‘Kili’, ‘whereabouts’, ‘allowed’, and ‘permission’. There was a brief pause followed by some mumbling then Fili clearly heard the word, ‘hair’. Fili sat on the sofa next to Dis with a smile on his face. _Haha, Thorin is still angry about the hair._

“Kili is in there too,” Dis said to her eldest son. “Apparently he went to Dale today, alone.”

“Yeah? So? He was there yesterday.”

“He was recognized today.”

“Yeah? So?”

“He was mobbed by autograph hounds.”

“Yeah? So?” Fili asked again. _I’m not getting it. The research must’ve addled my brain._

“He could’ve been injured. The people were all around him, he could’ve been knocked down. He was complaining earlier that his back hurt.”

“He said that?”

“He wrote it. He only had one visit with the speech therapist. You can’t expect him to start taking so soon.”

“No. Right. Of course. What do you really think of his hair?”

“I absolutely hate it.”

“You should tell him that?”

“No. You heard me tell him it was ‘different’ and ‘unusual’ and that’s all he needs to know. I love him and I would support him in whatever he did.” _He told me in confidence that he did it for you. He’s starting to trust me. I just hope he will be able to tell me what happened between the two of you._ “I really wish you could work things out.”

“Yeah.”

“Are you alright, Fili? You seem distracted.”

“I’m just tired. I’ve been in the archives all day.”

“Why?”

“Thorin told me a story. I wanted to make sure it was true.”

“What story?”

“I’m not exactly sure anymore. My brain is kind of scrambled. It’s not easy to read some of those books.”

“I imagine not. Let me know if you need help finding what you’re looking for.”

“I will. Thanks.” _Yeah, that’s the last thing I need. She wasn’t upset by Kili’s hair but I’m sure she’d be upset by my asking her to search the archives with me for instances of sibling incest so I’d feel less guilty about being in love with my brother._

Just then the study door opened. First out was a dejected looking Kili. He was followed by Dwalin and Thorin. _Thorin does not look happy. Tonight is probably not a good night to talk to him about societal tales of sibling incest._

Thorin and Dwalin went to the dining room where the same party that was there the first night was waiting but Kili sat on the sofa next to Dis. He wrote, ‘I’m not allowed out of the mountain without permission and an escort. I’m not a child. I’m going to look for a house in Dale or the Greenwood.’

Dis put her arm around Kili, “Thorin is just scared something will happen to you.”

‘Can I go to my rooms?’

“No. You can sit through dinner with the family. I’ll tell you when you may be excused.” Dis wanted and needed to give her sons every opportunity to be together.

Kili rolled his eyes before getting up to make his way to the kitchen. _Now I can’t even leave a table without permission. This sucks. First thing tomorrow I’m looking for a house in Dale, in the upper section. I don’t care what Thorin or anybody else says._

“Do you think that’s fair to Kili?” Fili asked his amad.

“No, but I can’t let anything happen to him. I just can’t. I don’t know what I would do if he was hurt again or if I lost him.”

“He just wants a little bit of freedom.”

_He can have all the freedom he wants when I’m dead._ “I know but I’ll do everything I can to protect him from getting hurt.”

“If you and Thorin smother him, you _will_ lose him. I wouldn’t be surprised if he found a house in Dale by next week.”

Dis heard the truth in Fili’s words, “You’re right. I’ll talk to Thorin.”

***

Kili barely tolerated being at dinner. The longer he sat at the table the angrier he got. If Dis, Thorin or Fili felt the heat radiating from him they didn’t show it. He started to fidget halfway through the main course. When Dis noticed, Kili wrote that his back ache was getting worse and he felt a headache coming on. She let him go immediately to rest. Kili did not go to his apartment to rest but he did go to drop off his oxygen machine.

*

Several levels below where he’d gotten his hair cut there were, literally, underground clubs. The music was loud, the air was thick with the smoke from pipes, everyone was young and everyone worked in the mines. They got together at random locations in the lowest sections of the mountain every weekend to party as hard as they worked. Kili had once heard that his Uncle Frerin had been part of a band that had played in clubs in the underground but the details were scarce with that subject as they were with all things concerning Frerin. _I’ll just stay for a bit. If I don’t like it, I can always leave. I hope I like it._

The first club Kili went into was a little too heavy metal for his taste. Guitars screeched while the bass pounded away and the words were not recognizable as khuzdul, elvish or common. The next club wasn’t much better; as he entered he heard his own voice over the speakers. But he went in anyway. He found a seat at the end of the bar nearest the door where he could people watch but leave quickly if he had too. There was no band on the platform at the back of the room. A new, digital jukebox at the far corner was cranking out the music. 

The bartender tapped the bar with a coaster, “What can I get you?”

“Just an ale, please.”

“Hey, aren’t you Kili?”

“Yeah.”

“I heard you couldn’t talk.”

“Yeah. We’re keeping it quiet as a surprise when the next album is released.”

“No problem. You can count on me to keep my mouth shut.”

“Thanks.”

“You wouldn’t want to sing, would you?”

“It can’t get out that I can still sing.” He wasn’t sure he actually could.

“One song. For the fans. If it works out maybe we could arrange something.”

“It couldn’t get out.”

“You’re not the first big name that’s come into my club. I’ve even had elves from the Greenwood in here. Everyone knows if they want to see a show they have to keep the secret. Trust me. Nobody, and I mean, nobody would say a word.”

“I’ll think about it.” And think about it Kili did. He spent the rest of the night asking around about elves and men who had come to the bar to perform. By closing time he’d made up his mind.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'd like to hear what readers think about the inner dialogue parts of the story. Is it too much?


	8. Confessing the Wrong Truth to the Wrong Person

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Kili tells Tauriel he's falling in love. Fili finds the Durin family history.

The morning flew by and Kili almost skipped out the door for his appointment in Dale. There was something he had to tell her but he was excited also. Thorin had come to him that morning and apologized for the way he had behaved. Kili could leave the mountain whenever he wanted without an escort. He didn’t have to report to anyone. But Thorin did express his desire for Kili to inform Dwalin if he was going to go out. He thought about it for all of half a second before he decided that reporting his movements to Dwalin was something he would not do.

Walking to Dale seemed like a good idea despite the chill in the air. _Winter will be here soon. I wonder if Tauriel can feel the cold. I heard that elves don’t feel temperature like the rest of us. That’s too bad, I’d like to warm her up. I’d do a good job of it too. Stop. Stop. It’s Fili I love. It’s always been Fili. Everything I do is for Fili. I’m doing this because he told me to. But Fili has a lover now. I wonder what he looks like. Does he look like me? Is he fucking my double? That’s too creepy to even think about. At least Tauriel doesn’t look anything like him._

She greeted him with the smile that made his heart flip, “Good afternoon, Kili.”

“Hi.”

“Have you been gargling and doing your scales?”

“No.”

“I thought we had a deal.”

“I forgot.”

“Is something wrong?”

“I don’t think I can come see you anymore.”

“Why not?”

“Because I just might fall in love with you.”

“It’s normal for people to develop feelings for others who are trying to help them.”

“It’s not that.”

“What is it?”

“I can’t stop thinking about you; your hair, your eyes, your smile, your laugh. I came to Dale on Saturday hoping I would see you. It’s wrong and I have to stop.”

“I see.”

“You probably have a boyfriend anyway.”

“No, no boyfriend.”

“I wish you had said you had a gorgeous elf boyfriend who treats you like a princess.”

“Why?”

“Because I could see and accept that. Now I’ll think of you even more if that’s possible.”

She laughed, “I don’t want you to stop seeing me professionally.”

“I don’t want to stop seeing you professionally. But if I keep coming, I know I will fall in love with you. And I don’t know if I _should_ fall in love with you because I’ve been in love with someone else for so long.”

“Last week you said he was in a relationship with somebody else.”

“I believe I said he was ‘fucking someone else now’. It’s not the same thing.”

“No, it’s not. Is talking to him an option?”

“No. He won’t talk to me. He left me but I’ve held on to the idea that we could be together again someday for so long I’m not sure I can let go of it.”

“I think you’re having doubts about him or else you wouldn’t entertain the idea of being with someone else.” Tauriel thought she was sounding more like a relationship coach than a voice coach.

“He has a lover and he won’t talk to me. Maybe it’s time to finally let go and move on.”

“With me?”

“Yeah. You’re the first person I’ve met in two years I’ve had any kind of feelings or thoughts about. You made me start to think for the first time that maybe I could love somebody else.”

“What are we going to do about this?”

“What do you mean, ‘we’”?

“I’ve been thinking about you also. I saw you in the market on Saturday. I was going to approach you, but the crowd got to you first then there was another dwarf there making everyone leave.”

“Dwalin. He’s my bodyguard.”

“I thought it would be nice to have lunch with you.”

“I thought something similar.”

“Would you like to?”

“What? Have lunch? Yes, I would like that very much but what about the voice lesson?”

“Do your scales and gargle every day. The lesson is hereby concluded.” _This is such a big mistake. I just know I’m going to regret this._

“Yes, ma’am.”

***

By the end of the week Kili felt like a peaceful calm had settled over him. He felt like his life had taken a turn for the better. He’d discovered he could talk without coughing, found a potential lover, and would sing in an underground club the next night. _Screw Fili and his lover. I don’t need him. But if that were true it wouldn’t hurt me so much. Would I even think about Tauriel if I hadn’t heard Fili having sex in his apartment? I doubt it. I should let Fili know that I can talk and that I heard him with his lover. He’d be happy for me and I’d wish him ‘good-luck’ in his new relationship. We could hash things out. Even if we weren’t lovers, we could be better brothers. I’m so confused. I want Tauriel, or at least I think I do but I feel sick at the thought of not being with Fili. I can still remember how it felt to have his hands on me, to have him inside me. Maybe I can find a way to talk to Amad about this._

***

Fili had been watching his brother all day and had noticed that he appeared to be distracted. _Something is up with Kili. One moment he looks radiantly happy, the next moment he looks like his best friend has died. I wish I could get up the nerve to talk to him. But I’m so afraid that talking would lead to something else. Thorin said Kili loves me. I love him too. But is that enough? _“Kili could I see you in my office?”

Kili stood in front of his brother.

“How was your appointment with the voice coach on Monday?” Fili asked. _There a nice, generic question in the safety of my office. It’s a good way to start anyway._

Kili typed out, ‘Her name is Tauriel and it was fine.’

“Tauriel. Right. I forgot. So, you like her? That’s good. Is she helping you?”

Kili shrugged and wrote, ‘Not sure yet.’

There was a long pause where Fili tried to think of something to say.

‘Is there something else? I have emails to answer.’

_Go for it, Fili. You might as well try._ “Would you like to have breakfast alone with me tomorrow or lunch if that’s better for you?”

‘I have plans already.’

“Oh. With who?”

‘Tauriel. She’s going to show me the shops in Upper Dale then we’re going to have lunch.’

“Is that allowed? Aren’t you her patient?”

‘Client. It’s allowed. She’s nice. I like her. She likes me.’

“What about…? Never mind. You can return to your desk.” _I was about to say, ‘what about me’. Kili is going on a date with his therapist. She’s an elf. This is terrible. How can he do this to me?_ “I’ll be out of the office the rest of the day, but you can text me if you have any questions.” _I have to get back to the archives. I can’t let Kili go. Not yet. Not until I’m sure it’s wrong._

***

Back at his desk Kili slipped his headphones on. _He looked surprised when I told him about Tauriel. Well, of course, he’d be surprised; she’s an elf. Did he think I would just sit around and pine after him forever? Does he want me to wait for him? He has a lover. My brother has a lover. And it isn’t me._ Kili felt less peaceful than he had before he had gone into Fili’s office. _Maybe being this close to him is a bad idea. I should just confess to Amad and Thorin that I can talk. I can get my life back. I can get out of here and travel far away. I wonder where I put Alfrid what’s-his-name’s card._

***

Before he left the office, Fili went to see Thorin. _I need more details. He knows something. He has to tell me where to look._ But Thorin was not there. All the way down in the elevator to the main floor Fili thought about where he should start. _It would have to be a family Thorin knows very well. One of the families he’s known and probably is still a friend of. I’ll start with everyone who was at dinner Kili’s first night back. It must be one of them. But I really can’t see it. Oin and Gloin? No. Gloin has a wife and a son. Dori and Nori or Nori and Ori? No. Bifur and Bofur or one of them with Bombur? Bombur has a wife and a couple of kids. And I can’t see Bifur and Bofur together. But maybe one of their ancestors. Could it be a relative in the Iron Hills? Would those family histories be here in Erebor? I don’t think so. I’ll check. I need to find something soon or I’m afraid I’ll lose Kili forever._

***

Kili’s plan was to rest after his shift so he’d have plenty of energy for his appearance at the bar that night. But there was still the family dinner to get through first. He decided to skip the nap and head right up to Thorin’s house to talk to his amad. He found her in the kitchen, setting the table. ‘Can I talk to you for a minute?’

“Of course. Sit down. Do you want some tea?”

‘No, thank you.’

“What is it you want to talk about?” _This is it. I can feel it. He’s finally going to confide in me. Remain calm. Just remain calm no matter what it is._

‘I think I’m falling in love.’

“That’s great. Who with?”

‘My voice coach.’

“You’ve only seen her twice.”

‘I know.’

“For someone falling in love you don’t look that happy.”

‘There’s someone else.’

“She has someone else?”

‘No, I do.’

“Oh? Who?”

‘What I mean was there _was_ someone else before and I think I may still be in love with that person.’

“Who is this other person?”

‘It doesn’t matter.’

“I see. Do you see this other person at all or is it someone from Ered Luin?” _Please don’t let it be who I think it is._

‘I see the person sometimes.’

_Possibly a band member then. Ori?_ “How do you feel when you see this person?”

‘Confused. The person has a lover now but when I see them my heart hurts because I think I still love them.’

_The person has a lover. Thank the Maker. It isn’t Fili then._ “If the person has a lover then you need to find a way to move on. But be careful. You’ve only seen your therapist twice. You may be confusing her professional interest in you for personal interest.”

‘I know. She said something like that. But she likes me too and wants to see me outside the office. I don’t want to hurt her but what if my love for her isn’t genuine?”

“You have to be straight with her from the start. You have to let her know that somebody else holds a piece of your heart.”

‘I told her some things already.’

“That’s good. You should certainly be honest with her. What is her name, by the way?”

‘Tauriel. Her name is, Tauriel.’

“For Durin’s sake, Kili. An elf?! You couldn’t find a nice Erebor girl to fall for? Your uncle will have a fit.”

‘Sorry.’

Dis sighed, “It’s okay, Kili. I’ll get used to the idea but Thorin might not ever speak to you again. You really can’t help who you fall in love with.”

Kili sighed. _Ain’t that the truth._

“But maybe we can just keep it between us for now.” _What Thorin doesn’t know won’t hurt Kili. First the hair and now he’s falling for an elf. What could be next?_

‘Fili knows.’

_Of course, he does._ “He will probably tell Thorin then.” Dis checked the time, “Do you know where Fili is? It’s almost time for dinner.”

‘He left the office before lunch.’

“I’ll call him.”

***

Fili could feel the phone vibrating in his pocket, but he ignored it. _I need to find something. I’m going to lose him to an elf if I don’t. This is impossible though. I’ve been through four more family archives but there’s nothing._ The phone vibrated again so Fili took it out of his pocket. “Amad?”

“Where are you? Dinner is ready.”

“I completely lost track of time. I’ll be there in a few minutes.” _I’m dusty but I’ll be there._

*

Fili was brushing the last bit of dust off his pants when he stepped off the elevator, “Sorry, I’m late.”

“Where were you, Fili?” Dis asked. “Thorin and Kili are in the kitchen waiting.”

“I was in the archives again.”

“Why?”

“I need to find something.” _I’m desperate to find something that will tell me it’s alright to sleep with my brother and whether or not society will accept us._

“What?”

“I was looking for the Durin family history.” It wasn’t a lie, but it wasn’t the whole truth either.

“Why?”

“I told you. Thorin mentioned something and I wanted to see for myself.”

“I didn’t know it was our family history you were looking for. You should’ve said and I would’ve given it to you.”

“You have it?”

“Yes. I look at it now and then.”

“May I borrow it?”

“Of course. I’ll get it for you after dinner.”

“Thank you.” Fili was relieved to find the book that had gone ‘missing’ from the library. _I’ll browse through it. Thorin had said that it wasn’t our family specifically, but it won’t hurt to check it out. Maybe there’s a cousin I’ve never heard of who slept with his brother or sister. But Thorin also said that I might not like what I find. _


	9. Talks

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Kili sings at the club. Fili talks to Dis about what he found.

Kili was nervous; more nervous before this crowd of about fifty than he was standing before a sold-out crowd of fifty thousand. The club owner had told him that no cell phones or any other type of recording device was permitted inside the club. Kili hoped that was true. He didn’t know what kind of trouble, if any, he’d be in if the record company found out he could sing and hadn’t informed them. The cheers he got when he stepped up to the microphone calmed him a little. When he started to play, he felt relief. When the first word left his mouth, he felt at home. One song was all he was supposed to play but he stayed on the stage for three. He was a little winded and regretted leaving his oxygen in his apartment, but he found a seat at the bar so he sat for a few minutes to catch his breath. The bartender pressed him about coming back to play more. At first Kili wasn’t so sure but the more positive feedback he received from patrons coming up to thank him the more inclined he was to agree. Then he started to cough.

***

_Uncle Frerin was light like me. There was a time I thought I was adopted because I’m the only light one in the family but Frerin was light too. _Fili had stayed up late to read the history of the Durin family his mother had given him. He had started at the back where the names were more familiar. _Amad has added information over the years while the other family histories I read just stopped at a certain point. I wonder if the other families have a new book with current information in it that they keep with them like Amad keeps this one. I can see myself asking, ‘Hey, Dori can I see your new family history book so I can check to see if your screwing one of your brothers or if your father was actually your uncle’. Yeah, that would go over well. _He read about his father’s death, Kili’s birth, his birth, and his parent’s wedding. There was a brief description of the family his father was from in Ered Luin. Before that chapter there was a few pages about his uncle Frerin’s death. _Frerin was a soldier. I didn’t know that. I can’t even pronounce the name of the place he died. _

When the handwriting changed at the end of the chapter about Frerin, Fili’s interest was piqued. _ This is Thorin’s writing. He’s writing about his brother._ Fili read on until he found what he had been looking for. _Thorin loved Frerin like I love Kili. And Frerin loved him back but went to war so he didn’t have to deal with it. Then he died and Thorin hasn’t been with anyone since. This is so sick. But Thorin said he wasn’t talking about our family. He lied to me. This doesn’t help me at all. Frerin went to war and I ran away to Erebor. Frerin died and Kili almost died. Frerin died and Thorin is alone. Kili is alive and we’re both alone. I need a drink and some air._ On the balcony Fili sipped his whiskey and stared at his brother’s closed sliders. _We don’t have to be alone._

The melancholy mood Fili had fallen into was broken by a door slam followed by the muffled sound of coughing coming from his brother’s apartment.

***

There was pounding on his door but Kili ignored it. He ignored it until he heard his brother’s voice calling his name.

Fili almost fell into the room when Kili opened the door. “Are you okay? I heard you coughing.”

Kili just nodded. He had strapped on his oxygen, turned it up to maximum and had been inhaling deeply. In his hand he held the prescription bottle that contained his pain relievers; his back hurt and he felt a headache coming on. He also felt a little chill.

Fili watched his brother spill two pills from a prescription bottle into his hand. “Do you need to see Oin? I can take you. Or do you want me to ask him to come here?” Fili went to the kitchen for a glass of water for his brother.

Kili shook his head, no. He took the glass of water offered to him when Fili got back to the sitting room.

“Are you sure? Sit down. I haven’t heard you cough since the hospital. Are you having a relapse or something?”

Kili had recovered enough to pick up his tablet. ‘I’m fine…got lost…started to panic.’

That made some sense to Fili. _You haven’t been here in a long time. I guess it’s possible._ “Okay. Maybe you should go lie down. Do you want me to stay with you?”

‘No. I’m fine.’

“Okay but text me if you need anything.”

Kili nodded. _I really do want you to stay but seeing you in my apartment hurts my heart. Did you leave your lover in your bed to come see me? I would really like to talk to Tauriel. I feel like I need her right now but I can’t call her this late. Plus, I don’t want to talk and start coughing again._

“Okay. I’ll come by in the morning to check on you.”

‘You don’t have to do that.’

“I want to do that. I want to be brothers again.”

‘Why?’

“What do you mean, ‘why’? You don’t want that?”

‘You ran away.’

“I know. Can we talk about this tomorrow?”

‘I’m going to Dale early. I’m meeting Tauriel.’

“Right. I remember you saying you were going to see her. When you get back then. Can you meet me before we go up to dinner?”

‘Okay. I’ll text you when I get back.’

“Thanks. Have fun in Dale.”

Kili nodded.

Fili turned to go. _That was so stupid. ‘Have fun in Dale’. Ugh. I should say, ‘don’t go’, ‘stay here with me’, ‘I’m sorry I turned my back on you’, ‘forgive me’, ‘I love you’. I’m such a coward._ He let the door shut softly behind him.

***

Bundled up against the chill, complete with scarf and hat, Kili took the coach to Dale instead of walking. He wore sunglasses as sort of a disguise. It must’ve worked because nobody looked at him on the coach or when he got off at the gates to Dale. He met Tauriel by the fountain at the middle of the market in the square. Her hair long hair was down, dancing on the wind as it swirled around the courtyard. The sight of her made Kili’s stomach do flips. 

She bent down to kiss him on the cheek, “Hello.”

Kili wrote on his tablet, ‘Hi.’

“Not talking to me today?”

‘Had a bit of a set-back yesterday. Too many scales.’ Lying to her hurt but he didn’t want her to know he hurt himself by singing.

“How bad was it?”

‘Bad enough.’

“Want to cancel today? I’d understand.”

‘No! I’ve looked forward to this all week.’

“Me too. I’ll show you around down here then we’ll go up to the shops by my office.”

‘Sounds good.’ He held out his hand and she took it. Kili felt like his heart would burst with happiness.

***

Fili was so nervous he almost dropped the Durin family history book on the floor when the elevator chimed before the doors opened. _Keep it together, Fili. If Thorin didn’t think I’d approach him he wouldn’t have mentioned it._ “Thorin?”

“In the study.”

Before entering the room Fili took several deep breaths. “Can we talk?” He held the book he was holding out so his uncle could see it.

“Where did you find that?” Thorin asked. _I checked the archives, it wasn’t there._

“Amad had it.”

“Of course she did.”

“You lied to me.”

“I didn’t lie.”

“You said you weren’t talking about our family but it’s right here in your own handwriting. You loved your brother like I love Kili.”

“I wasn’t talking about our family. There are several families in Erebor who have had family members involved with each other.”

“Ours is the only family I have found in reference to that.”

“You haven’t looked hard enough.”

“Tell me where to look then.”

“Fili, sit down. Does it really matter now? I loved my brother and he loved me. Like you, he ran away. Unlike you, he died before we could work it out.”

“Kili almost died.”

“Yes. But he’s alright now. You should go talk to him. Show him what you’ve found. Let him know you love him still. You have the second chance I never got.”

“I would but Kili’s out on a date with his therapist.”

“Kili’s out? Dwalin didn’t report to me.”

“Kili was out last night too. Or, at least, he wasn’t home. He said he was out walking around. I assume he meant the mountain.”

“You talked to him last night?”

“Yeah. I heard his door slam and he was coughing so I went over to see if he was okay.”

“He was coughing?”

“He said he got lost and had a panic attack and started to cough.”

“He got lost?”

“Why do you keep repeating everything I say?” Fili didn’t pause to let his uncle respond, “That’s what he said. He hasn’t been here for years. I didn’t think he was lying but I guess he could’ve been.”

“Let me show you something.” Thorin went behind his desk. After he hit some buttons on his computer music filled the room. “Come look at this.”

There was a video on the screen. It was Kili singing. “I’ve never heard him sing on stage. He’s good.”

“This was sent to me late last night. I only looked at it this morning.”

The meaning was lost on Fili, “And?”

“Look at Kili’s hair.”

Fili leaned closer to the monitor. “It’s shaved on the side. He can sing. He lied to us.”

“You said he was coughing though.”

“Yes. He was and he was breathing in the oxygen like he’d just run a marathon.”

“We need to talk to him. But he’s out you say.”

“Yeah. He’s touring Dale and having lunch with his elf.”

“Elf? I thought you said he was with his therapist.”

“She’s an elf.”

“You better call Oin. I think I’m going to have a panic attack.”

*

The rest of the morning Thorin and Fili planned on what they should say and do about Kili’s singing and about his being with an elf. 

“He should be contacting me soon. He said we could talk before dinner.”

“I know he loves you so why is he with this elf?”

“Because he thinks I don’t love him anymore. That’s the only reason I can think of.”

“You have to tell him everything.”

“I know. But I’m still trying to deal with the fact that he can talk and didn’t tell us. Why would he not tell us?”

“I don’t know.”

“Do you think he told Amad?”

“I don’t think he did. I believe she would’ve said.”

“Not if Kili asked her to keep it a secret.”

“Possibly but for some reason I think she doesn’t know.”

“Should we tell her?”

“It would be better if Kili told her.”

“She’ll be mad at us if she finds out we knew before her.”

“Let’s go tell her then.”

“You don’t want to call her in here and show her the video?”

“No. I think she’ll take the news better over a cup of tea.”

***

“I can’t believe you have to go already. I had such a wonderful time today. I wish you didn’t have to leave.”

Kili felt confident enough to whisper. They would also have to get closer to each other so she could hear him. “Me too but I promised Fili we could talk before dinner.”

“Fili is your brother.”

“Yes.”

“What are you going to talk about?”

_Oh shit._ “Work stuff. Nothing special.”

“It’s nice that you have dinner with your family every night.”

“Do you miss your family?”

“I’m an orphan. I was brought up by the King of the Greenwood.”

“You’re the king’s daughter?”

She laughed, “Does that intimidate you?”

“No but if my Uncle Thorin finds out I’m seeing Thranduil’s daughter he’ll disown me.”

“I know the history. Thranduil would not like it very much either.” She leaned in, kissed him lightly on the lips, “What are we going to do?”

“Let’s run away together.” Kili kissed her as she had kissed him.

“Where would we go?”

“Anywhere you want.”

“How about Hobbiton? I’ve always wanted to go there.”

“I’ve been there. It’s mostly farms. The people are very wary of strangers.”

“That might work then. They’d keep us a secret.”

“Would you like that? Would you like to go there with me?”

“If I thought we could I would pack tonight.”

“Why couldn’t we?”

“You’re a dwarf and a famous singer. I’m an elf and a king’s daughter. We’d never be left alone. Thranduil would find me.”

“We’re both adults. We can do what we want.”

“I wish we could.”

“Why can’t we?”

“You’re starting to scare me. It’s just a fantasy. It couldn’t be reality. Thranduil…”

“Forget Thranduil. Come away with me.”

“I can’t spend the rest of my life looking over my shoulder, waiting for someone to show up to take me back. If we’re going to make a go of this we’re going to have to stay here.”

“It was a nice fantasy though.”

“Yes, for a moment it was. I hope my reaction to it won’t change your mind about seeing me.”

“No. Not at all.”

“Good because I think I could be falling in love with you too.”


	10. Exposed

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Kili's secret is found out. Fili and Kili finally talk.

The coach pulled away just as Kili reached the top of the street._ Damn, now I’ll have to wait thirty minutes for the next bus. It’s getting colder and I seem to have lost my scarf somewhere. I’m going to be late and I promised Fili we could talk. I better text him._ ‘Missed bus. Waiting for nxt 1. Txt when bk’.

The response from Fili was immediate, ‘Just come straight to Thorin’s. Talk later.’

Kili didn’t think anything more about it. He thought about Tauriel instead. _She smelled so good. I can’t believe she kissed me. I wanted to take her up on her offer to go back to her place so badly. I don’t think I can wait until Monday to see her again. Would she let me make love to her in her office? Would we do it on her desk or the floor? Maybe she’d ride me on the sofa. I better stop thinking about that or I’ll have to hide my erection with my hat. She’s an amazing kisser though. She tasted like berries. Ugh! I’m tempted to go back up. She showed my where she lives. I’m sure I could find it again. Hurry up bus or I won’t make it to Thorin’s tonight._

***

“What do you mean, ‘Kili can talk’?” Dis asked after Thorin had told her the news. She and Thorin were at the kitchen table. Fili was standing at the kitchen counter.

“Nori sent me a video from one of those underground clubs. Kili is on stage singing. I have the video on my phone if you want to see it.”

“Nori? You’re having Nori shadow Kili? No wonder you relaxed your rules against him leaving the mountain.”

“Don’t get mad at me. Your son has been lying to all of us.”

“When was the last time any of us asked Kili if he could talk or even if he wanted to talk? What reasons have you given Kili to want him to talk to you? You’ve done nothing but try to control him since he got here.”

“That’s not true at all. He’s the one who wanted a job.”

“And you put him in Fili’s department when they clearly don’t get along. And you forced him to live in the apartment next door to his brother. He wanted to get a place in Dale.”

“You didn’t have a problem with the plan at the time. He was here the other day with you. Did he tell you he could talk? Did you try to get him to use his voice?”

“No,” Dis said dejectedly. “I assumed he would talk when he could. I never asked him to try.”

“None of us did.”

“So, what’s the plan now? Do we let him know his secret is out or do we let him believe he’s getting away with it?”

“I think it’s time to clear the air, don’t you?”

“I think so.” Dis turned to her son who had remained uncharacteristically quiet, “Fili, what do you think?”

_I just want the two of you stop fighting._ Fili said, “I’d like to talk to Kili in private if that’s okay.”

Dis looked at Thorin who only nodded, “If you feel that’s the best course to take.”

“I do.”

“Alright. Thorin and I will make ourselves scarce.”

“Thank you but I’d like to take him to my place.”

“Why?”

“There are things I have to say to him that you may not want to hear.”

“Like what?”

“Amad, please don’t make me say it.”

“Say what? Fili, don’t you think it’s time to bring everything out into the open?”

“Not yet. I want to talk to Kili first. Part of the…problem or situation or whatever might not be relevant anymore,” Fili said sadly. _If he’s fallen for **her** then Amad never has to know about my feelings for him or what happened between us. I’ll have to let him go but I know I’ll never feel the same way for anyone else. I’ll wind up alone just like Thorin._

***

Kili didn’t suspect anything was wrong until the elevator door opened. 

Fili was standing outside the elevator with a big book in his hands, “Come with me, please. We need to talk.”

Kili was about to step off but Fili stepped on and hit the down button. Kili brought up the tablet to ask his brother what was going on.

“Don’t bother with that.” Fili said motioning to the tablet, “There’s something I need to show you.”

Kili looked at his brother but Fili wouldn’t meet his eyes. _Talk to me, Fili. I wonder what he has to show me. Is it in that book? I see ‘Durin’ on the cover._ The short elevator ride was over too soon. Kili followed his brother to the apartment. 

“Have a seat. Can I get you anything?”

Kili shook his head. _Can we just get on with this? I’m cold and starving._

Fili sat down next to his brother, “Here. Look at this and tell me what you think.”

Kili took Fili’s phone just as the music started to play. _Oh fuck! Lying bartender. I should’ve known. How could I have been so stupid?_ He didn’t need to watch the entire video. He handed the phone back to Fili.

“Explain.” Fili demanded.

“What is there to explain?” Kili asked.

“Why you’re singing in that club.”

“It must be an old video.”

“Don’t lie to me. Half your head is shaved. It’s from last night.”

“Where did you get it? I was promised that there would be no recording allowed.”

“Someone sent it to Thorin. He wanted to have it out with you, but I asked him if I could talk to you first. Why have you been lying all this time?”

“I wasn’t lying. I just wasn’t talking.”

“How long have you been able to talk?”

“Since just before my first appointment with Tauriel.”

“_Before_ your first appointment?”

“Yeah.”

“You didn’t tell me and you went anyway?”

“Yeah.”

“Why?”

“Because I wanted to get back at you. Because you didn’t say anything to me about my hair until after Thorin did. Because you left me alone in Ered Luin. Because I…I don’t know anymore. What do you want from me?”

Fili changed the subject, “I have something else to show you.”

“What is it?”

“Here, read this.” Fili opened the Durin family history book to the page with Thorin’s writing.

Kili read the entry twice. “Uncle Frerin and Thorin?”

“Yes.”

“Uncle Frerin is dead.”

“Yes. He ran away just like I did and died before he and Thorin could work out their problem.”

“Why are you showing me this?”

“Because you almost died before we could straighten things out between us.”

“I’m not dead.”

“No but you’re seeing someone else.”

“So? Aren’t you?”

“What? No.”

“You don’t have a lover?”

“No.”

“Now who’s lying? I heard you, Fili. I heard you one night when your sliders were open, I was on my balcony. You were moaning, having sex with someone.”

“I have no idea what you’re talking about.” Fili lied, hoping he wouldn’t have to tell his brother the truth. “I don’t have a lover. It must’ve been a nightmare.”

“That was some nightmare. You really sounded like you were enjoying it.”

“I don’t have a lover.”

“Sure.”

“I don’t know why you don’t believe me. Have you seen me with someone? Have I talked about someone? I’ve loved you forever. I have never even thought about being with someone else.”

“You love me. Ha!” Kili coughed once. “Then why did you run away?”

“To save you from me.”

“That’s ridiculous!” Kili coughed again.

“Calm down, please.”

“Tell me,” Kili coughed, “the truth!”

“You want to know the truth? I remember the night you’re talking about. And you’re right it wasn’t a nightmare. I was dreaming about fucking you at the party. I dream about it all the time. I dream about how your hair felt and how you tasted when I kissed you. I dream about being inside you and you begging me for more. Is that what you wanted to hear?”

“Fili.”

“Yeah. But you’re my brother and we’re not supposed to do things like that.”

“Thorin and Frerin did.”

“Thorin says it happens in other families too, not just ours, but so far I haven’t been able to find any evidence of that.”

“You talked to Thorin about it?” Kili didn’t know if he was more embarrassed or angry at the thought of their uncle knowing their secret. 

“He mentioned it to me. He saw you come out of the conference room. He went in and saw me passed out on the floor.”

Kili was speechless. _Thorin knows, has known the whole time. I have no idea what to say. I can’t think about this anymore. _

“Kili, are you alright?”

As he sat back down on the sofa, Kili sighed, “What do you want from me, Fili? You had two years to talk to me about this, but you chose to run away and stay out of contact. All the texts I sent you, all the calls I made that went unanswered. Did you listen to any of the songs I sang? All of them were for you. Everything I did was for you.”

“The first time I heard you sing was on that video.”

A shiver ran up Kili’s spine, “You didn’t answer the question. What do you want from me?”

“I want to know if you still love me.”

“Sometimes I love you so much I ache from it. Sometimes I hate you so much I want to strangle you. Sometimes I’m so sad I can barely function. Sometimes I do all three at once.”

“Do you love her?”

Kili didn’t have to ask who his brother meant by ‘her’. “I could easily fall in love with her.”

“But you’re not currently in love with her?”

“I like her. She makes me feel happy. I haven’t felt really happy since you left.”

“I’m sorry.”

“Are you?”

“Yeah, I am.”

“It may be too late for that.”

“I know.”

“I have to think about this.”

“I know that too.”

“I don’t want to hurt her.”

“I don’t want you to hurt her either. But I don’t want you to stay with her just because you think she’ll be hurt. If you love me, I want you to be with me. I’m ready for that now.”

“Are you one hundred percent sure of that?”

“Yes.”

“Does Amad know about us?”

“No. I wanted to talk to you before I told her. If you tell me you want to be with Tauriel then Amad will never have to know what happened between us.”

“What about you?”

“What about me?”

“Would you accept me being with her?”

“I just want you to be happy, Kili. If you’re happy with her I will accept it. It will be hard to see you with her, but I won’t make things difficult for you.”

“Would you find someone else?”

“Probably not. I can’t imagine loving someone as much as I love you.”

Throughout their conversation Kili had been sporadically coughing. He was tired and felt like he was coming down with something. “Can I go now? I’m not feeling all that well.”

“Do you want me to call Oin to come?”

“I’ll be fine. I’ll see you tomorrow.”

“What about dinner? Can I bring you something?”

“I had a big lunch,” Kili lied just to get away. “I’ll be alright.”

“Okay. Feel better. I’ll see you tomorrow.”

“Good-night.”

***

“Is he alright?” Dis asked Fili when he told her about Kili not feeling well.

“He said he’ll be fine.”

“I’ll check on him later. Did the two of you get everything straightened out?”

“To some degree.”

“Please, Fili, no riddles.”

“He said he didn’t tell anyone because he wanted to get back at me.” A lie was on the tip of Fili’s tongue, but it was time to stop all that and face the truth.

“Get back at you for what?”

“For leaving him, for not answering the phone when he called, for not yelling at him about his hair.” Fili told her.

“That’s ridiculous.”

“I love him, Amad.”

“I know you do.”

“No, I mean, I love him, love him.”

“Something happened between the two of you, didn’t it? The night before you left us.”

“Yeah.”

“Why didn’t you come to me?”

“How could I? I’m not supposed to have a relationship like that with my brother.”

“It’s not unheard of in our culture.”

“That’s what Thorin said.”

“He told you to look in the archives?”

“Yes.”

“But you didn’t find what you were looking for.”

“Not until I got the book from you.”

“Thorin and Frerin.”

“Yes.”

“Frerin was younger than Thorin. He didn’t understand his own feelings. He didn’t believe that their relationship would be accepted by the family and others. When the rumor started about a possible war Frerin signed up. Thorin did too. None of us thought they’d be sent off so soon and when Frerin didn’t come back, we were devastated. Thorin has never been the same.”

“What am I going to do?”

“Tell him how you feel.”

“I did. I waited too long. He’s falling in love with Tauriel.”

“I’m so sorry, Fili.”

“I don’t know what to do.”

“Tell him you love him every day. Be there for him. Let him know you’re not going to run away this time.”

“What if he doesn’t come back to me?”

“Give him some time.”

“What if he chooses her? What if he wants to go back on tour? His public life have to end if he chooses me, won’t it? People won’t accept him with a brother for a lover.”

“That’s something else he has to decide.”

“It’s not fair. I can’t ask him to choose me over his career.”

“Would you feel guilty if he chose you over making music?”

“Not if he made the decision on his own.”

“What would you do if he chose his music over you?”

“I’d tell him that I’d wait for the day he wants to give it up.”

“I’m sure he’d love to hear that.”

“But what if…”

“Fili,” Dis interrupted, “you’ve told him you want him to be with you, right?”

“Yes.”

“Then give him time to think.”

“I love him, Amad. I’m so scared I’ll lose him this time.”

“Then you’ll have to tell him that. Everything you’re saying to me you have to say to him. Please don’t worry too much, Fili, he’ll realize how much he loves you.”

“I hope so, Amad. I hope so.”


	11. Relapse

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> KIli tries to take his relationship with Tauriel to another level.

“It’s getting colder, huh?” Kili pulled this jacket tighter. He was in Dale sitting in a café having breakfast with Tauriel.

“It is.” Conversation between them had been strained since he sat down, mostly confined to the weather. “Is everything alright, Kili?”

“Yeah. Absolutely. Why do you ask?”

“You don’t seem like yourself today.”

“I think I’m coming down with something.”

“You should’ve stayed home. If you get sick you won’t be able to come see me.”

“We could video chat.”

“True but I wouldn’t be able to touch you.” She reached across the table to take his hand.

Kili shivered, “You have no idea what your touch does to me.”

“Tell me.”

“I want to throw you over my shoulder, carry you to your place and make love to you.”

“Then why don’t you?”

“Don’t tease me like that.”

“Who’s teasing?”

“You want too? I mean, you’d want to have sex with me?”

She leaned closer, across the table, “All day long.”

Kili stood and held out his hand for her to take; she did.

As they walked up the block to her apartment Kili confessed, “I’ve never been with an elf before.”

Tauriel shrugged it off, “I’ve never been with a dwarf before.”

“Can I tell you something else?”

“Of course. You can tell me anything.”

“I’ve never been with a woman.”

“Oh. Oh…right. You said you had been with another male.”

“Yes.”

“Can I ask you something?”

“Yes, anything.”

“How many lovers have you had? I never read the gossip magazines, but I’ve seen the headlines that have you paired with different lovers.”

“I’ve only ever had the one lover.”

“I would be your second lover but your first woman then.”

“Yes, that’s right.”

They had reached the door to her second-floor apartment when she hesitated with the key in her hand, “You can change your mind.”

“So can you,” he said but Tauriel turned the key to open the door. Inside there was a spectacular view of Erebor from a large living room window. But Kili didn’t get to admire it for long. She pulled him into a heated kiss. 

“The bedroom is this way.” Tauriel pulled him by the collar of his jacket. “I hope you don’t mind my being a little impatient.”

“No, not at all. I like it.” He let her push him down onto the soft bed. He was half hard in his pants as she climbed over him.

“Someone else is impatient too.”

Kili blushed, “It’s been a long time since I’ve been with someone.”

“Me too. So, let’s stop talking.” Her jacket wound up on the chair across the room. Next, she slipped off her shirt after she unbuttoned it.

Kili touched the bare skin of her belly. _Her skin is so smooth and soft. I imagine Fili’s skin is a little rougher, like mine._ He felt her hands on the waistband of his jeans trying to get the button undone, “Wait!” Kili held her hands. _I can’t believe I just thought of my brother_. _Would it be fair to her to have sex today and tell her tomorrow that I’ve chosen another? Do I really have to ask myself that?_ “I want you so much, I really do, but I have something to tell you before we go any further.”

“What is it?”

“Can we go back to the sitting room?”

“Is it that bad?” Tauriel smiled at him but she knew what he was about to tell her wasn’t going to be something she wanted to hear.

Kili didn’t answer her so she went out the door. He followed.

When she was sat on the sofa Kili took a deep breath before starting. “The guy I had my relationship with, the one I was in love with, the one I thought had a lover…”

There was a quilt on the back of the sofa, Tauriel reached for it then wrapped it around herself, “Let me guess, his lover either left him or there was no lover to begin with, he’s come back into your life somehow and he wants you back.”

“Yes. I’m so sorry. I was wrong. He never had a lover. It was just a big misunderstanding. I never would’ve started anything with you if I had known his truth.”

“Were you just using me so you could say you’d had sex with an elf?” Tauriel didn’t think he was but she felt a little defensive. 

“No, no, never. I wouldn’t do that.”

“Do you love him?”

“I don’t know. I have feelings for him, but I can’t stop thinking about you. I want to be with you so badly. You’ve made me so happy these last few weeks. I can’t remember the last time I was so happy. But I’ve loved him for so long I’m not sure I can stop.” Kili sighed. He was so tired, but he didn’t want to sit next to her, touch her. “I wish I could be with both of you.”

“That can’t happen.”

“No, I know.”

“Tell me more about him.”

“Why?”

“Because I want to know, you owe me that.”

“He has light blue eyes and light hair. We used to flirt with each other all the time. He’s a little older than me. I really admired and looked up to him. We waited forever to be together. I never really thought we would. We had sex one time then he left me. That’s about it.”

“Why did he leave you if it wasn’t for another lover?”

“It’s complicated.”

“Complicated?”

“Yes.”

“Were we ever truly together, Kili? Were you just using me to get back at him?”

“I love you. I do. I could’ve kept my mouth shut and had sex with you. I didn’t have to stop you. But I couldn’t do that to you. I told you I still had feelings for someone else.”

“Can you trust him to keep your heart safe this time?” 

“I wish there was a simple answer to your questions.”

“I’m sure you do.”

“Can I still see you?”

“I don’t think that would be a good idea, do you?”

“Are you breaking up with me?”

“I’m protecting myself from further heartache. I wish you had told me about his coming back before you said you wanted to make love to me. I feel like something has been taken away from me.”

“I’m so sorry. I never wanted to hurt you. I should’ve told you in the café. I haven’t made a final decision. I may not choose to be with him.” Kili started to cough.

“I think you have, or you wouldn’t have hesitated.”

“No. Please. Don’t do this to me.” Kili coughed, “I love you.”

“But you love him too.”

“You could help me get over him.”

“I’d rather not be used that way. I’m sorry, but I think you’ll have to find yourself another voice coach. Take care of that cough, Kili.” She held open the door for him to leave.

Kili pulled his jacket tighter around himself as he walked out the door. It shut softly behind him. _There were tears in her eyes when she turned away. She didn’t want me to see them, but I did. I never wanted or meant to hurt her, but I couldn’t make love to her without her knowing about Fili. Another guy may have taken advantage of her that way, but I couldn’t. Yeah, look at me, aren’t I honorable?_

*

There was no bus at the gate when Kili got there so, despite the cold, he decided to walk back home. _Should I have argued more strongly for our relationship? Does the fact I didn’t mean I’ve subconsciously chosen Fili? Maybe I should’ve kept my mouth shut. We could be at her place right now making love. I couldn’t do that to her though. I wanted to be with her so badly. I feel like something has been taken away from **me**. Should I go tell Fili Tauriel dumped me? I know I should, but I think I’ll let him stew for a while. But do I even want to be with him? Do I still love him enough? Can I forgive him? When I first got to Erebor I was so sure I had a plan to get him back. That all blew up and now I have nothing._

***

There was no need for Fili to return to the archives; he had found what he needed. Normally on weekends he would wander the shops for the supplies he needed for the week but that day he didn’t have the energy to leave his apartment. Nothing on the television was interesting enough to distract him. He thought about going to Thorin’s to see his mother but quickly discounted it; they had talked until the late the night before. _I have to come up with a plan to get Kili to fall in love with me again. But what can I do? He’s already falling in love with somebody else. And I set them up. I’m so stupid. I practically drove him into her arms._

_Flowers? No. Jems? No. Poetry? He’d probably punch me in the face. I could write him a song. But would he listen to it? I wouldn’t blame him if he didn’t. I haven’t listened to any of his. I should. I’ll go to the market and get the CDs._ Fili spent most of the afternoon looking for his brother’s music. Most shops were sold out since fans thought the discs would be worth something if Kili never sang again. _Amad and Thorin would have them. I should’ve started with them. I’ve wasted half the day in the market._

It didn’t take Fili long to understand the meaning behind the lyrics about love, heartache and loss. There were slow ballads and angry hard rock songs. But they were all about him. _Oh, Kili, I’m so sorry. I wish I had listened sooner. I hope you’ll be able to forgive me._

***

Kili was shivering. _What happened to the blanket?_ He eventually found it on the floor. _Isn’t the heat on in this place?_ As he left the bedroom, he wrapped the blanket around himself. He didn’t bother to check the thermostat, he just flopped down on the sofa after he flicked the switch on the fireplace to ignite the gas. _Ugh. I feel like crap. I should call Oin. I don’t have the energy to get off the sofa to find my cell phone. What time is it anyway?_ Kili checked the cable box._ It’s two in the morning._ “Fili!” Kili coughed violently._ I won’t do that again._ He looked around for something to throw at the wall that would possibly get his brother’s attention but didn’t see anything that would work._ Nothing is going to make a sound through the stone walls anyway. I’m just going to have to get up._

It took a few tries but Kili finally managed to stand up without feeling like he was going to pass out. He shuffled his way slowly to his brother’s door. With all the strength he could muster he knocked. _I should’ve just gone for my cell phone. I think I just locked myself out of my apartment. Come on, Fili, wake up._ He found the strength to knock a little harder. “Fili,” Kili wanted to yell but it came out as a hoarse whisper. _I’ll just sit here on the floor. Fili will open the door and find my corpse, frozen to death, on his doorstep. It will make him happy to know that I turned to him when I needed help._

***

There was a weird noise at Fili’s door. He stared at it, waiting to see if would happen again. It took a few seconds. The noise was a little louder then it sounded like something was either clawing at or sliding down his door. He looked out the peephole but saw nothing. He slowly opened the door. “Kili! Kili!,” Fili knelt down to try to wake his brother up. “Kili? Don’t be dead. Not now. Kili!”

“Mmmmm, stop yelling at me.”

“Are you alright? What’s wrong?”

“Help me up.”

“Oh Gods, Kili.” Fili half carried half dragged his brother into the apartment. After he managed to get Kili onto the sofa he called for Oin to come. The next call was to his mother, “Amad, Kili is sick. I called Oin. We’re in my apartment.”

“I’ll be right there.”

Both Dis and Thorin were at Fili’s door less than five minutes later. Shortly after Fili answered the door to let them in there was another knock. Thorin was closest so he answered it, “Oin, good of you to come so quickly.”

“Of course,” said the old healer. “Where is he?” He’d moved so quickly he only had time to put on his dressing gown before grabbing his bag before heading out the door.

“Here,” Fili motioned to the sofa, “he’s over here. He fell asleep as soon as he lay down.”

“Let me have a look at him then. Step away, please, everyone.”

Fili, Dis and Thorin went across to the kitchen. Dis busied herself by making coffee while Thorin and Fili sat at the counter watching Oin minister to Kili.

It didn’t take long for Oin to look up, “He’s got a fever and there is some crackling in his lungs. When he wakes up get him to the medical center. I already have a wheelchair on the way up. In the meantime, make sure he stays warm.”

“That’s it?” Fili demanded to know.

“Sleep is the best thing for him so let him sleep.”

“Antibiotics are the best thing for him.”

“Not until I know what’s definitely wrong with him. You have a thermometer?”

“Yeah, an ear one like yours.”

“Good. Check his temperature every thirty minutes. If it gets much higher bring him in. If his breathing becomes labored, bring him in, asleep or no.”

“Is it pneumonia?” Dis asked.

“Possibly,” Oil said. “His breathing is alright now though. Isn’t he supposed to be on oxygen? Where is it?”

“It’s probably in his bedroom. I’ll go get it.” Fili ran out but he was back in seconds. “His door is locked.”

“I have an extra key,” Thorin told them.

“Hurry,” Dis pleaded.

“I’ll be fast as I can,” Thorin reassured her.

***

Kili woke as the oxygen canula was being adjusted after he’d moved in his sleep. “What’s going on?”

It was Dis who had accidentally woken him, “Nothing go back to sleep.”

“Where’s Fili?”

“He’s lying down in his room.”

“He loves me.”

“Yes, I know.”

“Tauriel broke up with me.”

“I’m sorry, sweetheart.”

“Because of Fili.”

“Because of Fili or because you told her the truth?”

“Fili is the truth.”

“You love him?”

“I never stopped.”

“Go back to sleep, Kili. We can all talk in the morning.” Dis hummed softly to her son like she did when he was a baby until she was sure he was sleeping soundly._ I should’ve gotten him into the wheelchair like Oin instructed but if sleep is the best thing for him I’d rather he sleep._


	12. Resolution

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Fili and Kili finally repair their relationship.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I wish the ending was better.

The next time Kili woke up he thought he was still in the hospital in Gondor and had dreamed everything that had happened over the past few weeks. His back hurt, he had a headache, was feverish but cold, and had an IV tube stuck into the back of his hand. There was a full facemask over his nose and mouth and he could hear the sound of the machine pumping the oxygen next to the bed. The first difference he noticed was that there weren’t any windows in the stone walls. The next difference was the loud creak of the door as it opened; the other hospital door creaked softly. The third difference was his Amad coming into the room with a look of worry that changed to relief on her face when they locked eyes.

“You’re awake!”

Kili held the oxygen mask away, “Yeah. Where am I? What happened?” The questions were followed by a fit of coughing.

“Take it easy. You’re in the medical center in Erebor? I guess you don’t remember. You were kind of out of it.”

“Why?”

“Put the oxygen back on and I’ll tell you.”

Kili reluctantly put the mask back on.

“Good. Do you remember going to Fili’s?”

Kili nodded.

“He called Oin then me. Oin said, you had a fever and some noises in your lungs, but he said to let you sleep so we did. You slept for a long time. It was around two when you started to cough. We brought you here. Fili is very worried about you. Do you want to see him?”

After a few seconds of thought Kili shrugged but he lifted the mask to say, “Tauriel broke up with me.”

“Yes. You woke up at one point during the night and told me.”

“Why does everyone leave me?”

“Not everyone leaves.”

“I told Fili I loved him, and he left. I told Tauriel I love her, and she left.”

“Why do you think Fili left?”

“I thought it was because he hated me, but he says he wanted to protect me.” Kili replaced the mask on his face to take a deep breath. He removed it again to say, “I think it was because he was scared.”

“And Tauriel?”

“She left because I told her I may still love Fili.”

“Did you really expect her to stay after you told her that?”

“I love her, but how could she stay knowing I love another?”

“Right.”

“What should I do?”

“I can’t tell you what to do, sweetheart. This decision isn’t an easy one. I will tell you, however, to follow your heart.”

_That’s what got me into this mess in the first place._

“Fili really wants to see you I’ll go get him.”

*

Fili stood at the end of his brother’s bed, “Hey.”

Kili had taken the band holding the oxygen mask from around his head but he held the mask in his hand so it would be easier to use and remove when he wanted to talk. “Hey.”

“Amad said you wanted to see me.”

“She said _you _wanted to see _me_.”

“How are you feeling?”

“Like shit.”

“Yeah, you look it.”

“Funny.”

“Oin says you can probably go home tomorrow. You’ll be on antibiotics for a while, but you’ll probably need the oxygen for a long time.”

“You mean the rest of my life.”

“Sorry.”

“It’s not your fault. I should’ve taken better care.”

“Yeah.”

“What is it?’

“What?”

Kili lifted the mask again, “There something you’re not telling me.”

“No there isn’t.”

“I can see it on your face.”

“You asked for Tauriel.”

“Oh. She broke up with me.”

“Why? I thought you were in love.”

“I told her about you.”

“Why?”

“Because she needed to know there is somebody else I love.”

“Somebody else you love, not loved?”

Kili managed to say, “yeah,” before he coughed again.

“Can you put the mask on, please?”

Kili did as instructed.

“I called her but she said she didn’t want to come.”

Kili shrugged. _No, I don’t imagine she would want to. _

“Anyway, I can’t say I’m sorry she broke up with you. I mean, I’m sorry for you if you’re hurting over her but…I mean, I…this isn’t coming out like I wanted it to.” All the emotion that had been building up over the years was coming to a head. Tears ran down Fili’s face, “I’m so sorry, Kili. Can you ever forgive me?”

Seeing his brother cry didn’t hurt as much as Kili thought it should. “I imagined you asking me that a thousand times. Sometimes I pictured myself breaking down in tears, throwing myself into your arms and crying ‘yes, yes’. Sometimes I pictured myself punching you in the face.”

“And today?”

“Today I don’t know. I mean, I forgive you. And I love you.”

“But?”

“But I don’t know if I can trust you. What happens when somebody says something about us being together that upsets you? Are you going to tell me it’s over? Are you going to run away again?”

“Never. I’ll never leave you again, I promise.”

“I wish I could believe that.”

“It’s true.”

“It may be true today, but will it be true tomorrow, or a year from now or five years from now?”

“It will be. I promise.”

“You have no doubts?”

“No.” But Fili hadn’t answered right away; he had stuttered.

“What?”

“I was worried about how the public would see you.”

“What do you mean?”

“Your famous. Your fans would see you in a different light. Not everyone would accept our relationship.”

“I can’t sing anymore so I’d be out of the public eye. Nobody would have to know about our relationship outside the mountain.”

“Your famous,” Fili repeated. “Somebody would see a big payday if they took the information to the press. It would be a public relations nightmare for you. And when they realize you and I are related to the owner of the Erebor mine it will become a problem for Thorin too.”

“I didn’t think about that.”

“That just occurred to me too.”

“Then I guess we shouldn’t be together then.”

“We’d have to hide our relationship from others.”

“I don’t want to have to hide.”

“Neither do I.”

“Then what are we going to do?”

“Wait, does this mean you want to be with me?”

“Yes, Fili. I want to be with you. You better not break my heart again.”

“Never, Kili. I love you so much.”

“I love you too. And I have an idea. But don’t say ‘yes’ until you’ve really thought about it.”

***

In a modest hobbit hole under a hill in Hobbiton there lived two dwarves. They were brothers but nobody had to know that. All their neighbors knew was that they kept their garden neat and had them over for tea (which was always excellent and included many cakes and pastries). They had installed a satellite dish on their roof but that was overlooked because once a year they threw a rather grand party that the whole village was invited to. There was always other dwarves at the party but the quality and amount of food made up for that. 


End file.
